These guards haven’t changed a single bit since 1642

I LAUGHED out loud at the tourist sent packing by a guardsman – ‘Haw! Get yersel’ away!’ – when he acted the goat in front of the Queen’s Guard at St James’s Palace, in London. The soldier was from the Scots Guards who, since 1642, have lived up to their motto Nemo Me Impune Lacessit. Officially it’s No One Provokes Me With Impunity or, in the vernacular, Dinnae Mess Wi’ Us Or We’ll Gie Ye a Skelp. The troops, all bearskin hats and scarlet tunics of layered felt to deflect a musket ball, are no chocolate-box soldiers. In 1982, guardsmen swapped ceremonial duties for the Falklands. At bayonet-point they winkled out Argentinian machine-gunners and snipers on Mount Tumbledown in a daring night assault. More recently, authors Max Benitz and Leo Docherty chronicle the Scots Guards’ martial prowess in Afghanistan in Six Months Without Sundays and Desert of Death. Still, the desire to get a rise from Sphinx-like guards is strong. On a visit to the Tower of London, my son asked which regiment was on duty. I explained the hackle in the bearskin, the insignia and the grouping of the buttons – three at a time for the Scots Guards – tell you which element of the Foot Guards they hail from. It was the Irish Guards that day and I said in a stage whisper: ‘They’ll pawn the Crown Jewels and gamble the money…’ ‘Ssssh, Dad!’ cautioned my boy. ‘He’s got a gun!’ ‘Ach,’ I said, ‘That’s an SA80 rifle – he couldn’t hit us from there with that thing.’ Gimlet eyes swivelled my way from beneath the fringe of a bearskin and, like Napoleon’s troops who faced the Scots Guards at Hougoumont farm at Waterloo, I beat a hasty retreat. ALL the focus is on the new £1 coin with its 12 sides and enhanced security. What I want to know is where all the Scottish paper £1 notes – still legal tender – have got to. Are they all salted away as souvenirs? And I liked the coin discovered this week with an image of Christ on it. Presumably it was worth 12 disciples and would buy you five loaves and two fish with change left over for some water for later conversion into wine.