I can’t forgive my son-in-law for cheating

Novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .

QMY HUSBAND and I recently discovered our son-in-law has had an affair. While initially heartbroken, our daughter has forgiven him and is keen to put it behind her. We are struggling to do the same.

I know we should be supportive, but this betrayal has really changed the way we see him. He has been a part of our family for years and it shocks me — he’s put her through so much pain, all for a cheap thrill.

As a result, there’s been a great deal of awkwardness at family events. Our daughter hates the tension and wants us to get on board with her decision — yet we can’t help worrying that he is going to do this again.

How can we get over this and trust our sonin-law again?

AHowever close you are to your daughter — and, indeed, to your son-in-law — she and her husband are the only people who really know what led to his affair.

All you can do is trust that she’s willing to move on, however hard that will be, and she’s not acting out of fear or coercion.

It’s a good thing that she felt able to tell you, though you have to ask yourselves why she wanted to. It sounds as if she felt that you and her father would give her and her husband the support they need.

She’s also probably reassured that your long and happy marriage makes you good role models for this next, difficult phase of her relationship.

It counts for a lot that you’ve known him as long as you have; it counts for more that you’re fond of him. Though I’m sure that you can’t imagine the circumstance, if your daughter had been the unfaithful partner would you have found it as hard to forgive her? If in all other ways he’s a good husband, so work with them both to address this failing. It will take work. It’ll be very tempting to lump together every subsequent transgression and label him as an unworthy partner. It’ll be difficult not to suspect him every time you hear he’s been late home. You’ll have to remind your daughter not to keep on blaming him, too. She can’t expect everything to resolve quickly and she’s bound to use you as a sounding board when she’s feeling sad. Listen sympathetically, but emphasise the positive. They’ve made a choice to look to their shared future, so don’t be tempted to remind her of their difficult past. Having an affair is a cowardly way to try to make yourself feel better if there are problems in a marriage, but at least confessing to it is brave. Frankly, so is turning up to family events. He obviously feels that not only does he not want to lose his wife, but that he values his relationship with you, too. I’m not letting him off lightly, he’s got the most work to do, but the only person who needs to praise or blame him is your daughter. Your job is to defend their decision to disapproving relatives and offer whatever help you can to both of them to get them back on track.