I’m worried my daughter can’t make friends

novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .

QMY DAUGHTER left home for university in September and I’m worried she still hasn’t made any strong friendships. I knew it could take a while for her to find the right crowd, so it didn’t bother me too much to begin with. However, two terms on, nothing seems to have changed.

She’s at home for Easter and every time I ask her about it she shuts me down — I can tell something is wrong. Up until now, I’ve always been pretty involved in her social life: I used to organise her play dates and let her throw lots of house parties, so I could meet all her friends as she got older.

I feel powerless — I don’t want her to miss out on one of the most important university experiences, but I’m so far away. How can I help my daughter?

AIN YOUR heart of hearts, I suspect you know you’re not putting your daughter first when you question her.

having your children take their first proper steps away from you is as hard as it’s inevitable. It’s not properly acknowledged how much you’ll miss your children — there’s always a suggestion that you’re too suffocating or needy if you confess to feeling sad when they go.

And no one prepares you for the sudden disconnection from their activities and friends. If you’ve enjoyed being involved with everything your daughter did when she was at home, it’s no wonder you’d like to be included now.

university is the perfect place to experiment (in a positive sense) and discover all sorts of new things (ditto), while you’re finding out a bit more about who you are. And you do it away from the watchful, if loving, gaze of the people who have known you best until now: your family. It’s possible that your daughter may leave university without a group of lifelong chums. It’s also possible she may meet her best friends during the next three years. The fact she doesn’t want to talk about what she’s up to doesn’t mean she’s either friendless or unhappy, it just means she’s rather enjoying keeping it all a secret. She’s also discovering she can eat rubbish food at any time of day she fancies, too. Eventually, both of those things become a little boring. I bet she’ll end up phoning home for recipe advice and gossiping about friends. Don’t be tempted to crowd her when she comes home. Try not to have too much of a timetable planned, but you’re well within your rights to suggest you have at least some time together. Keep the conversation going without being nosy. Remind her that you like sharing your news, too, as you enjoy her response. her time at university will fly past. It only seems a moment ago that she was toddling, doesn’t it? Just as you did then, encourage her to walk away on her own and be proud and full of praise when she does. She’ll know you’re ready to catch her if she stumbles.