Call for back-up, Sarge, the plot’s gone missing!
The story so far: Suave Detective Inspector Jim Oldman is called to an empty room. Neighbours have reported nothing amiss. There’s not even a corpse.
It’s 15 minutes into the episode, and they’re growing increasingly concerned.
‘There’s something about this room that tells me it’s empty,’ says Oldman. There’s no reply. he takes this as confirmation, and puts a call through for back-up.
‘Apple Banana Celery, can you read me?’ he says to his walkietalkie. he’s a smoothie.
‘We’re three episodes in, Sarge, and the plot’s gone missing!’ he reports. ‘We’re in danger of losing ’em!’
The Armed Response Unit arrives. Six armed officers rush up the staircase, in visors, turning around 360 degrees on each stair. When they get to the top, they feel dizzy, so they take a few minutes to get their bearings.
Presently, the leader of the Armed Response Unit, Inspector Gary Youngman, kicks down the door of the empty room. ‘A.R.U.!’ he screams.
‘Very well, thank you,’ replies DI Oldman. ‘And A.R.U.?’
‘Could be worse. But I thought you said this room was empty!’
‘Well, it was before I got here! At least I think it was. There was no one around to ask.’
‘So how do you account for all these people in black, then?’ says Insp Youngman, aggressively.
‘We’re all the other members of your unit, Sir.’
‘So you are! You look so different with those visors on! As you were!’
Meanwhile, over in the picturepostcard village of Much Askew, Detective Sergeant Cliff hanger has been called to the corner shop run by kindly old Ted Sinister.
he sniffs around, and then blows his nose.
he scans the shelves. Rice Krispies . . . Corn Flakes . . . Coco Pops. And then a gap. Call it experience, call it sixth sense, but he knows something’s not quite right.
‘There’s a cereal filler on the loose,’ he says.
Back in the once-empty room, DI Oldman puts an urgent call through to hQ.
‘hilary Quinn, how can I help you?’ she replies.
‘Xylophone Yesteryear Zygodactyl’, he says. he’s at the end of his tether.
‘Someone’s made off with the plot. I’ve reason to believe a corrupt officer has infiltrated the anti-corruption unit.’
‘We’ll get the anti-anti-corruption unit onto it,’ barks hilary.
‘But there’s something I don’t quite trust about the anti-anticorruption unit,’ says DI Oldman. ‘This looks like a job for the anti-anti-anti . . . ’
‘I’ll have to interrupt you there, boss. There’s an ad break on the way, and there’s nothing any of us can do to stop it.’
Three minutes and 73 cut-price sofas later, PC Gonemad is faced with a simple question.
‘If helen overheard what Kevin said to Jack then why the hell didn’t Tony tell Mike that Jill thought that Maureen already knew that Mike had told Tony what Jack said to Kevin?’
And then another simple question occurs to him.
‘If what Jack said to Kevin was true, then why didn’t Ian tell Crystal that Katie claimed that Fred thought he saw kindly old Ted Sinister spying on Detective Sergeant hanger in the deserted hut behind the rubbish tip in front of the multi-storey car park?’ Suddenly, there is a screech of brakes and another simple question leaps out of the car.
PC Gonemad is left with no alternative but to call Sergeant Charlie Roger of the P.O.U., or Plot Overload Unit.
‘Things are kicking off big-time, Sarge!’ he yells.
‘There are plots coming at us from all sides, and I don’t have enough men to keep up with them!’
AS SGT Roger hangs up the phone, an unknown assailant shoots him dead. Seconds later, the unknown assailant is shot dead by an unknown assailant.
But was the first unknown assailant the same as the second? If so, it points to suicide by a person or persons unknown.
An urgent call comes through to DI Oldman.
Shocking news: a man has been spotted on CCTV footage — and he wasn’t wearing a balaclava.
‘Refusal to wear a balaclava on CCTV in a prime-time police procedural? We’ve got our man,’ he concludes.
Only then does he spot a crumpled scrap of paper in the empty room. ‘2+ 2 = 5,’ it reads.
Is it a clue? If so, it just doesn’t add up.