Can a son forgive his straying dad?

DEAR BEL

I AM so very sad for my wonderful great-nephew (my sister’s daughter’s son), who is 12 years old. In short, his father (50 this year) has left the family home for another woman.

I can’t bear it for him — he was so very attached to his father and is now at the stage of not wanting to see his dad at the weekends, while his father is blaming his mother for turning his son against him — which is not the case.

This aside, I still have my great-nephew’s happiness as a priority — even though it’s none of my business, I suppose.

He has a 16-year-old sister, but she has a boyfriend who has been through this with his own parents, so she is OK, thankfully.

Can you please, please give me any wise words which I can send to him in a card?

SONYA

ThIS is one of the worst problems for any family to deal with. I know from experience how hard it is for young people in their 20s to process the shocking, heartbreaking upheaval caused by a father’s sudden, chosen absence.

So for a 12-year-old? Terrible. The feelings of loss, anger and even guilt can seem impossible to cope with, and a boy caught between childhood and puberty may lack the language to express his muddle of emotions.

I’m a great believer in reading as a ‘cure’. Well, not so much a cure, but a means of reminding people (of all ages) that they are not alone.

There are many books for young children dealing with this sad subject, although it’s not so easy where older children are concerned. And, anyway, your great-nephew may not be a keen reader.

But I would always recommend books that offer an escape (such as the harry Potter series or Philip Pullman’s astonishing his Dark Materials trilogy, which provide a leap into other worlds and yet have human fear, loneliness and courage equally at their heart.

When a father walks out on his family, those left behind are set on a quest to make sense of the destructive thing that’s shattered the world they know. I would wish a 12-year-old not to have to endure this, yet he must.

I know you’d like me to send you an uplifting quotation, but I’m not going to. This is simply because, if we’re not careful, such things can seem glib — and so be counter-productive.

I hope your great-nephew has plenty of support from his immediate family, and that you can perhaps act as another anchor for them all. If you are close to your niece, she will need more than one sympathetic ear. Much will be asked of her in the coming months.

It might be a good idea for you to write a sweet little note to his sister (your great-niece), expressing your sadness and reminding her she can play a very important role as her brother’s confidante.

Siblings need each other at times like this, and I’d love her to recognise that she can offer him comfort and ease his anger. It is essential he forgives his father (in time) and his mother and sister are best placed to help in this process.

Of course, your family is your ‘business’. Sorrow concerns us all, even if we are usually helpless in the face of it.

Your love shines out of this short email, but one of the hardest things to come to terms with is that not everything can be put right. I hope your niece is brave enough to encourage the boy to see his father, because not doing so will cause untold misery later.

And, particularly for you, I quote the poet Jane hirshfield: ‘The world asks of us / Only the strength we have and we give it / Then it asks more, and we give it.’