My fiance won’t wear a wedding ring
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QI AM GETTING married again and recently discovered my husband-to-be is not planning to wear a wedding ring. It came up over dinner and completely took me by surprise; I’d presumed he would, just like my first husband.
He says he is not a jewellery person and doesn’t want the bother of it all, especially now we are in our late 50s. As long as he and I know we are married, that’s what matters.
I still believe that wedding rings are an important symbol of marriage.
I’m so grateful to have found a second chance at love and want to celebrate this, but how can I help him understand how I feel?
AUntil quite recently, men didn’t wear wedding rings at all. Many men — including the Duke of Cambridge — still prefer not to. You assumed your husband-to-be would wear one. He assumed you’d recognise his preference to go jewellery-free. Your attitudes are both valid, so let’s see where they join up.
Your chap thinks that as you’re not in the first flush of youth and wedding excitement, you don’t need to dot every i and cross every t. the first time around, if your sugared almonds didn’t match the flower girl’s bouquet, it felt like a disaster. At your second wedding, you’ve usually realised you can do without both.
You’ll both agree what’s important is the two of you demonstrating your love and commitment in front of friends and family. For your husbandto-be, that’s enough. He doesn’t feel the need to overcome a lifetime’s aversion to wearing jewellery to prove anything to the world. For him, a ring cannot possibly add to what he already feels. And he’s right, except for not understanding why it matters to you. Of course, a wedding ring is more than just jewellery, but it’s been a while since wearing one denoted ownership. now it means a promise of continuing love. Even though you have reasons to know that marriage sometimes doesn’t last for ever, you’re going into this one firmly believing that it will. But you mustn’t let your new man feel like he’s stepping into old shoes. Just because your ex wore a ring doesn’t mean he should. You probably didn’t give it a second thought last time, but now you should really think it through and list all the reasons why you’d choose to wear this symbol of your partnership. Would he mind if you decided not to wear a ring? i suspect he would. He might have found a suit and tie constricting the first few occasions he wore them, he can easily get used to a little band on his hand. He’s clearly not so set in his ways that he isn’t happily embracing a future together with you. there will be things that matter just as much to him further down the line that you might struggle with, so an early compromise might well be a good start for you both.
ON THE COUCH WITH Janet Ellis