Why some women will go to ANY lengths to keep their internet shopping compulsion secret...
SITTING on the train on her way home from an expensive shopping spree, Angela Garvin, 47, is consumed by just one thought.
Not where she’ll wear her new purchases, or whether they’ll go with other items she owns . . . but where she’ll hide them.
The back of the wardrobe, the attic, the garden shed — anywhere will do, as long as her partner Peter doesn’t find them.
And it isn’t just clothes: shoes, make-up, CDs and electrical items will also be hidden in empty suitcases, on top of cupboards or behind furniture.
If Peter or her son, Daniel, 12, surprises her by arriving home unexpectedly, Angela has stashed purchases around the kitchen.
‘I’ve stuffed things I’ve bought in the larder, or even the fridge or washing machine,’ she admits. ‘Peter and Daniel never look in the washing machine.
‘I’m quite creative about it. I’ll hide things at my parents’ house or leave them at my sister’s if I don’t want Peter to see them.’
Angela, a paralegal from Chadwell Heath in Essex, is a self-confessed ‘secret shopper’ — one of a growing tribe of successful middleaged women who feel an uncontrollable need to shop, but are so ashamed of the habit that they hide their purchases from loved ones.
So desperate are they to cover their spending that they behave like a drug addict or alcoholic, paying with cash so no trace appears on bank statements, or stuffing shopping bags in a dustbin.
A recent survey found almost 60 per cent of women hide purchases of clothes and accessories. Only 27 per cent of men hide clothes, while 25 per cent hide gadgets or tech items.
Of course, it’s hardly out of the ordinary for women to pass off the occasional new item as ‘years old’ to a curious husband.
But the growth in ‘secret shopping’ sees women going to far greater lengths to conceal every purchase, from a new lipstick to cosmetic treatments such as Botox.
Angela’s efforts to conceal her shopping begin almost immediately after she’s bought something. ‘Sometimes, I take off the price tags on the train and throw them away before I get home,’ she says. ‘I never leave a shopping bag lying around at home, or a receipt. I’ll make sure I’ve thrown them away in a bin outside.
‘Sometimes, if I’ve bought an item of clothing by a designer brand, I’ll cut the label off it.
‘If Peter mentions it, I’ll say it was irritating my neck, but really, it’s because I don’t want him to know it was expensive.’
HER main motivation is, she says, a sense of guilt. ‘I feel bad about buying things for myself. I love shopping. I get a thrill from buying anything — even things such as toasters and kettles, but especially shoes and handbags.
‘But I feel that I should be spending the money in a better way, such as paying for a family holiday, putting it away for Daniel or into my pension.’
It’s an intriguing habit, given that most secret shoppers spend money they earned themselves.
Angela, for example, spends between £1,500 and £2,000 a month on covert shopping — but the money comes from her own bank account, separate to that of Peter, 45, a solicitor.
Furthermore, she says Peter doesn’t complain about her spending. ‘As long as I’m putting my share of the money into our joint account to pay the bills, I don’t think he minds too much what I buy,’ she says.
Psychologist Emma Kenny explains: ‘The impulse to hide purchases stems from women’s belief we shouldn’t be treating ourselves. We associate shopping with greed and tell ourselves: “You don’t need that, you should be saving it for the future or spending it on your children.” ’
Concealing what they’ve bought gives women a sense of control, she adds. ‘If nobody sees their purchases, they don’t have to confront their shopping habit.
‘They can continue to project an air of being calm and collected — the way they want to be.’
Emily Stott, 45, a stylist and the author of memoir Shopped, admits she, too, has concealed extravagant purchases. ‘I’ve guiltily squirrelled away shopping bags under beds, behind doors and at the bottom of wardrobes,’ she says. ‘I even did it when I lived alone, which is ridiculous.’
Emily adds that she has seen many instances of secret shopping in the course of her work.
‘I visit clients in their homes and often discover not only bulging wardrobes of unworn clothes, but also bags of untouched purchases with the tags still attached,’ she says.
‘They’ll be mortified and say: “Don’t tell my husband about this, will you?” Beth, a mother of three children under ten, told me she had £400 worth of clothes from H&M delivered to her home just as visitors turned up, so she shoved the parcel under a cushion to avoid them seeing it.
‘Later, when the children were playing, the stash was uncovered and the enormity of her shopping spree was laid bare in front of her husband and friends.’
This desire for secrecy extends to other types of purchase, too.
‘One of my styling clients is a GP with a private practice, where she carries out aesthetic work alongside her other work,’ says Emily. ‘She told me she treats women — wives and mothers to young children — who come for procedures and always pay in cash to avoid any paper trail.’
Most women will identify with this behaviour to some extent: the adrenaline rush of handing over a credit card, followed by a surge of the feel-good hormone serotonin and then the inevitable sense of guilt that we didn’t really need another coat or handbag.
For the majority of women, secret shopping is not harmful, but for some, it can be a symptom of a deeper issue and can become problematic.
Psychotherapist Dr richard Sherry, a presenter at a recent event at iCAAD, the International Conferences on Addiction and Associated Disorders, says: ‘For women who feel a compulsion to hide what they’ve bought and who do it often, it’s similar to other addictions — there’s a sense of anxiety and shame attached to their shopping, and hiding the purchases is an attempt to hide the shame.
‘In the long run, it’s likely to make them more anxious and distressed because hiding their behaviour is isolating. It’s good to try to work out what’s really happening and why.
‘This type of behaviour is often linked to stress, loss or some other sort of emotional distress.’
Juel Stokes, 49, believes her secret habit is linked to her experience of being bullied at school. ‘Aged 13, bullies kicked my face and broke my jaw,’ she says. ‘Since then, I’ve lacked selfesteem and used shopping as a way to boost it.’
Juel, who lives in London and runs a party-hosting business, shops virtually every day and admits spending is a source of comfort. ‘It’s a really bad habit, but I just love clothes,’ she says. ‘If I’m wearing something new, I feel much better about myself.
‘I try to limit myself to two or three times a week, but I find it really difficult because, for me, shopping is therapeutic — if I’ve had a stressful day, I love going online and looking at outfits.’
JUEL’S husband Jerome, 50, a musician, doesn’t object to her spending money on herself. Nonetheless, she hides her habit from him. ‘I hide purchases at the back of the wardrobe, on top of the wardrobe and in the boot of the car,’ she says.
‘I once asked my neighbour if I could leave a big bag of new clothes at her house for a while. I’ve even stuffed new clothes, still in their packaging, at the bottom of the linen basket, under dirty socks and underwear.’
For Juel, as for so many other women, acknowledging her secret is unlikely to prevent her from continuing with the habit.
‘I’m not a smoker or a big drinker, so I console myself with the fact that shopping and hiding what I buy is my only really bad habit,’ she says.
‘I know perfectly well that I’m just trying to fool myself by stashing things away — but it doesn’t stop me doing it.’