Can I trust my husband when his flirting is like a stab in the heart?

DEAR BEL,

I’M IN my 50s, in a long marriage with almost grown-up children, similar interests, a good physical relationship and plans for the future. But every now and again I have been hurt by my husband’s dealings with other women.

I’ll emphasise that these episodes have been few and far between over years. When we were newly married he had a monthly squash game and dinner — allegedly with a friend, but actually with one of the pretty secretaries.

I haven’t laid down some archaic law that he can’t go out with another woman ever, but he made himself look guilty by pretending it was with someone else. I was deeply upset to find out.

A mutual acquaintance he’d always flirted with (and I didn’t mind) also showed me texts from him. She was worried it had gone a bit over the top. I said I didn’t want him to arrange drinks or dinner with a woman alone unless I knew, as he couldn’t be trusted not to be suggestive.

A few years later he got into trouble at work for sending flirty texts to a colleague who didn’t like them. I got paranoid and searched his phone and Facebook and found a few messages that annoyed me.

This is making him sound creepy, but actually he is naturally chatty, kind and easy-going. I had a go at him, explaining that although I believe none of these was ever intended to turn into an affair, they hurt me. He continually reassures me that I am the only one, so he’ll stop flirting if it upsets me. And he does . . . for a while.

Recently I was feeling insecure about his behaviour with someone else, and we tried to make new ground rules. He admitted he’d been going out (every few months for years) for dinner and drinks with another female colleague.

I asked to see their emails. He sent me one which seemed a bit disjointed. I checked his phone and saw the bits he’d censored — nothing to suggest sex, but innuendos and even a discussion of our sex life, which really annoyed me.

For the first time I thought about leaving — not because I don’t love him but because little betrayals are painful. The worrying affects my self-esteem, making me go from being easy-going to suspicious and needy, which I hate.

My husband and this latest woman still work in the same office. I have asked him to stick to friendly conversation, but still find it almost impossible to trust him. He’s 60, so can’t change jobs. Some might say that he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? ANTONIA