My mum’s cruelty ruined my life

SOMETIMES you give a bit of ‘tough love’ in your answers — and maybe it’s what I need. I’m 48 next month but still feel like a child. I want to be loved and protected — if only for a moment — but it’s never happened.

I had a difficult childhood, and although I left home at 17, I cannot move on. I’ve tried anti-depressants and cognitive behavioural therapy, but nothing works. I’m now trying the charity Mind, but talking about how I feel just makes everything worse. I feel stuck.

I’m reading the book Difficult Mothers by Terri Apter because I’m sure my relationship with my mother has ruined my life.

I self-medicate with wine just to sleep. I have tried to end my life many times but (obviously) it has never worked. It’s an awful circle of my own making.

I try to be happy but I am so lonely even though I am married. I have not had children, scared they would suffer as I did — how do I know how to parent?

I keep on reaching out but it feels hopeless as no one really wants to know. I feel I am living the wrong life, in the wrong place. I could tell you all the awful things my mother did to me, but maybe you can imagine.

Bel, I am reaching out to you; I know this is not a good letter for your page but I don’t know where to turn. SHELLEY

Yes, sometimes critical and practical words of ‘tough love’ can jolt someone out of lethargy (I’ve had evidence), but that’s not what you need. This immensely sad email is from someone who needs help, and I feel sorry that the things you’ve tried seem to have failed.

I beg you to stop getting drunk. Alcohol drags mood in a downward spiral. You say you’ve tried anti-depressants and CBT, but how long did you give these aids to recovery? People often tell me counselling hasn’t worked when they have had only a few sessions.

If you really want to be helped you have to stick at one path, research others, and be ready to try and try again. You have to want and hope and pray and be stubborn. You have to visualise living a different life, shine a light on your darkness and force it away.

That’s the helping yourself part. It cannot happen if you are slumped by an empty wine bottle. Please ditch the booze — and remember, when you feel desperate, the samaritans are there: ring 116 123 from any phone. I recommend the Mind website (mind.

org.uk) to any reader who feels as ‘stuck’ as you do — it offers pathways to follow, sources of information, suggestions for action. I reckon at least half an hour of exploring that site could help many who might go on to realise they need face-to-face help as well.

I truly believe you need proper counselling. To find someone, visit itsgood totalk.

org.uk/therapists. The damage your cruel mother did must be worked out with a qualified person, even if it feels worse before it starts to get better. But I’m glad you’re reading that book, too.

Does your husband know you suffer? Can you talk to him? I wish you’d said more about your relationship, and whether you have good friends.

All I can say is you must believe your life matters. Please stop self-medicating and make a huge effort, telling yourself aloud: no person has the power to ruin your life. Will you write again in one month, telling me what you have done? That’s me reaching out to you.

DEAR BEL