Loving grannies frozen out by their daughters-in-law
When Esther Rantzen wrote about the pain of grandparents denied access to grandchildren, letters flooded in. And there was a startling common thread ...
Nobody trains you to be a grandparent, or explains how much joy it can bring when grandchildren run to you, arms outstretched, nor how your heart can break when you are refused permission to see them, prevented even from sending a birthday card.
Earlier this month I wrote about my delight at the birth of new twin granddaughters and the wonder I have experienced developing relationships with all my five grandchildren. but I also described what happens when grandparents are deprived of access to their grandchildren.
Afterwards, readers’ letters poured in and, as I read them, their sheer agony leapt off the page. Without intending to, I’d reopened old wounds. It was like visiting battlefields, but in these bitter family civil wars, one side had all the power. Estranged grandparents have no weapons; if the decision is made to exclude them, that’s it.
Grandmothers tortured themselves over what their grandchildren had been told, what lies may have been inculcated.
Sometimes grandparents told me that they were utterly blameless, and were bewildered as to why they had been cut off from the children they adored. A few admitted that there had been fault on both sides.
one striking thread through the letters was how frequently there had been a fatal breakdown in the delicate mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship.
Even in the happiest of families it can be
a complex, sometimes competitive relationship, and when babies are born most daughters instinctively turn to their own mothers for support. Sometimes it was clear both wanted to be the dominant force but, if it comes to a fight, the younger woman will always win, armed with the ultimate weapon — exclusion.
All the hundreds of grandparents who have been in touch (and it’s estimated that in the UK more than one million grandparents are denied access to grandchildren) tell me that whatever the cause of the estrangement the hurt persists, unhealed.
Abbie, for example, wrote to say how much her son’s family had depended on her when their son was born. And how delighted and fulfilled that had made her feel. But when I awakened that memory, it caused her acute pain.
She wrote: ‘I opened the newspaper, saw Esther cradling her grandchildren in her arms and instantly felt a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.’
Abbie explained: ‘We used to have excellent and loving relationships with each other, especially with our son. When our grandson was born, it was without doubt one of the happiest days of our lives. I was very much needed for the weeks after the birth, but then when the baby was six weeks old it all changed.
‘My daughter-in-law wouldn’t answer my calls; they both said they wanted to be on their own to enjoy the baby.
‘Things have since gone from bad to worse to irreparable after a misunderstanding with my daughter-in-law. Despite repeated attempts by both me and my husband we have had no real contact for years.
‘Never a day goes by that I don’t think of my son and our grandson. I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. My very bones ache with the grief of not seeing them both. Now I’m really crying again.’
Of COURSE, these letters tell only one side of the story. Mothers-in-law have their faults too, and I speak as one. In many cases, divorce led to the estrangement. But not in every instance. There is real bewilderment in so many of the letters about the inexplicable deterioration of relationships that meant so much. That, when everything seemed to be going brilliantly well, it could suddenly freeze into outright hostility.
for many isolated older people, especially if they are bereaved, their grandchildren are literally a lifeline. When they lose touch with those children, they feel that they have lost everything.
A distressing feature of Abbie’s letter, and that of another granny denied access to her grandchildren, is that they admit considering ‘ending it all’. Sadly, this depth of feeling is very common.
I am patron of the Bristol Grandparents Support Group, and its founder, Jane Jackson, tells me that in the past ten years three grandparents who had lost all contact with their grandchildren, (two grandmothers and one grandfather), have committed suicide.
She listens regularly to members who are so desperate they are considering ending their lives. She asks them to ring Samaritans, and then checks to ensure they have. This estrangement is literally life-threatening.
The sad fact is that sometimes a trivial incident can blow up into a full-blown feud that results in access being cut off, even when two families have been so close that the grandparents have taken on caring responsibilities.
Caroline wrote: ‘It’s particularly hard not seeing my eldest granddaughter because I was so close to her and often looked after her — in fact I had my son, his wife and her living with me for a time.
‘But about two years ago, I was stopped from seeing my two year old granddaughter and her sister, who had just been born. I was supposed to have shouted at my daughter-in-law, something which was not true. It feels like a bereavement, especially on birthdays and at Christmas when I long to watch my granddaughters opening their presents.
‘I hope some day I will be allowed to see the girls and be a proper nan again.’
Gloria has two grandsons aged five and 21 months, yet she and her husband haven’t seen the elder boy since he was eight months old and have never met the younger, even though they were living nearby until recently.
Sadly, difficulties with her daughter-in-law have led to an estrangement from her son as well as her grandsons.
‘As soon as our first grandson was born, our relationship with our daughter-in-law changed. This began to filter into our relationship with our son who we’d always had an exceptionally close relationship with.
‘We talked to him, but he told us not to worry, they would never stop us from seeing our grandson. Despite this, it was difficult to get them to agree times and dates.
‘When our grandson was about six months old there was an altercation between my husband and our daughter-in-law which spilled over into a nasty confrontation, on her part, with me.
‘Contact became sparser. One day, our son brought our grandson over for a couple of hours.
‘We were going on a three-week holiday the following week, so when I kissed the boy goodbye I said we’d see him soon. We never saw him again.
‘When we returned home I called my son to wish him happy birthday, only to find the number had been blocked; no explanation, no warning, nothing.
‘On Christmas Eve that year, our grandson’s first Christmas, I left a card and present for him on their doorstep. That evening, the present and card were forced back through our letter box with a hand-written note from our son telling us we were no longer a part of his or our grandson’s life.
‘Twenty-one months ago, our second grandson was born. I emailed my son; he never replied. Never knowing if or when we’d see the son we’ve lost and the grandsons taken from us has exated such a toll we have moved house in the hope of beginning a new chapter in our lives.
‘We still send cards for their birthdays and at Christmas, always buying two so one is kept for their memory box, a wooden chest we had made this year, with their names engraved on the front.
‘I’m also writing a journal. I want them to know who we are, and about all of the other family they’ve been denied. Above all, I want them to know that we love them and not a day goes by when we don’t think about them.’
Of course, if divorce comes, it can bring so much hostility and bitterness that it would take superhuman compassion to maintain relationships.
Sometimes, daughters-in-law are keen to make a complete break from their ex’s family.
Bristol Support Group founder Jane Jackson is an expert in this situation. It happened to her; she last saw her beloved 18-year-old granddaughter 11 years ago. As so often, the cause was the breakdown of her son’s marriage.
ShE TOLD me of the extreme lengths some grandparents go to in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the children they have lost — that was also reflected in your letters.
Mary lives in Lancashire. Relations with her daughter-inlaw had been strained since an argument related to the couple’s wedding, she said, and when Mary’s grandson was born she says her daughter-in-law ‘made it very difficult’ for her to see him.
‘My daughter-in-law only agreed if my son was present and that it should not be for very long.’
When her son’s marriage broke down, the situation deteriorated further.
‘Our grandson is now 17, but my husband and I have not seen him since he was seven as his mother has refused to allow us access.
‘I contacted my ex daughter-inlaw so many times, asking to see our grandson, but she always had an excuse, for example that he had football or swimming. It is beyond heartbreaking.
‘I became so desperate that I contacted our grandson on facebook only to receive a response which obviously was not from young boy, saying that he didn’t want any contact with me.
‘I then sent a very heart-wrenching open letter to him via his school. The headmaster, though deeply apologetic, returned it saying that my ex daughter-in-law had told him not to give it to our grandson.
‘I find it unbelievable that grandparents have no rights in this country, even when these innocent children are used as acts of revenge by spiteful parents.
‘friends try to comfort me by saying when our grandson is older he may come looking for us. Though I would be ecstatic if it did happen, the bond will never be the same as with our two other grandsons, whose lives we share. This is a guilt I must live with, through no fault of my own.’
Guilt and shame are common emotions among estranged grandparents, Jane Jackson tells me, with many often repeatedly questioning where they went wrong. But she advises them for
their own mental health to try to move on, not to live in the past. Attempting to contact grandchildren can lead to serious trouble. Some grandparents are horrified to be accused of harassment and visited by the police.
When family wars break out, grandparents have no legal ‘rights’. Even if they hire a solicitor to take their case to the Family Court, it is a long and costly process, and the law demands that grandparents have ‘evidence’ of a relationship with their grandchildren, with documentary evidence such as photos.
Even when a court finds in the grandparent’s favour, that does not necessarily provide a solution because it cannot be enforced, nor sadly does it heal the rifts.
For example, Barbara wrote: ‘I have not seen or spoken to my darling three grandchildren for almost four years. When my son and his wife split, my daughter– in-law decided that I would have no access to my grandchildren.
‘The irony is that my son and his wife had a very toxic relationship, yet I would often take her side. After a few months I tried to gain access to them via the Family Court, but the outcome was that I could only see them once a fortnight, for a few hours in a contact centre, while being observed by a social worker. ‘I thought long and hard about this, but eventually decided I couldn’t do it. ‘During the next three years I tried via letter and email to persuade my daughter-in-law not to airbrush us out of their lives. ‘How can any of this be in the best interests of the children? Unfortunately, the mothers call the shots. I am heartbroken at this desperately sad situation, which doesn’t have to be. It has blighted my retirement years.’ For some grandparents it was a comfort to read my article because they are surrounded by silence. When the conventional rosy picture is of grandparents at the centre of every family party, there can be stigma attached to estrangement, with some unable to confess the truth even to their friends. Especially when they recognise that they originally caused the rift, and deeply regret it. Florence, for example, wrote: ‘It gives me some relief to be able to share the pain I’m experiencing. Unfortunately, due to some harsh words I regrettably said about a woman my daughter-in-law works for, things went sour between us.
‘Now I have been robbed of watching my little granddaughter grow up. I have made a mistake, but surely this punishment is too harsh? If anyone can think of advice I would be glad to receive some as I am desperate.’
The only guidance I can offer is to find and join a support group; as far as I know there is no counselling for older people in this situation.
Alas, there is no tried and tested way to build a bridge, to kiss and make up when relationships have ruptured beyond repair.
How do you apologise when you have no idea what exactly you have done wrong?
JANE says: ‘Some people do feel strongly that the law should be changed to give them the right to see their grandchildren again, and I can understand that.
‘But although I believe the law should be changed, it’s not to protect the grandparents, but for the sake of the children. It should be seen as a child’s right to have that relationship, because the pleasure and support it can provide can be crucial.’
She says all it would take is a simple amendment to The Children Act.
Having received so many desperately moving cries for help, I have been in contact with Nigel Huddleston, MP for Mid Worcestershire, who is prepared to take this campaign forward.
Tellingly, he sees it as a matter of child protection that every child should have the right to access to their wider family, especially their grandparents, unless there is good reason to keep them apart to protect the child.
I received one letter from a grandson who was heartbroken that, when his grandad was terminally ill, he was still prevented from visiting him to say goodbye.
In that case, it was too late to call a truce. In so many others surely it is not beyond hope that peace could be declared?
After all, in these most cruel family conflicts the victims, as they are in so many wars, are the children.
BRISTOL Grandparents Support Group helpline 07773 258 270; bgsg.co.uk
GRANDPARENTS’ names in this article have been changed. Are you a daughter-in-law who wants to give the other side of the story? Email us at femailreaders@dailymail.co.uk