Appalling truth about what many male students REALLY think of your daughters
As revealed by a former university rugby player who shamefully admits he was one of the worst culprits
men which inspired me to use my experiences, alongside research into male behavioural patterns, for my book Be A Man — How Macho Culture Damages Us And How To Escape It. Because sadly, little has changed in ten years. You only have to walk past a pub or bar on a Saturday night to realise this mindset is still prevalent.
Don’t kid yourself it’s just rugby lads that chant at women to get their boobs out. Young men from all walks of life are doing it. In other words, plenty of men still think this way about your daughters and granddaughters. Recently I got chatting to a group of female third-year students who told me how they still get groped and accosted by men in bars. It can’t be dismissed as something that lads simply grow out of as they mature, either. My book explores how macho culture can continue to affect men even as we grow older.
It’s apparent in the awful violence and sexual assault statistics (rape, domestic violence and sexual offences account for nearly 19 per cent of the Crown Prosecution Service’s caseload); male suicide rates (it’s the biggest killer of men under 45); the male propensity for addiction problems and our inability to open up to each other.
An enormous issue is the fact that, for many young boys, internet pornography is their gateway when it comes to learning about sex and relationships.
And that footage I watched as a schoolboy is tame when compared with the extreme pornography boys are exposed to today. Lads repeatedly seeing women being subjected to sexual degradations which sends the message they are happy to be treated that way.
However, there’s more to it than that. In the wider social context men are increasingly feeling threatened and emasculated by women. Today, girls are outstripping boys at school, university and in their early careers.
THEIR exam results are poor, with just over a third making it to university compared with half of girls, while a third of men aged 20 to 34 live at home with their parents, compared to one fifth of women the same age.
I believe this has led to a deep sense of insecurity among men. We seek the approval of other men, while struggling to hold our own among our female peers who are making great strides in the drive for equality.
Then you’ve got the girls who behave in a more laddish way — drinking to the point of falling over or making leery comments — meaning men are even less likely to treat them with respect.
Today I have a long-term partner, Zoe, 25, a theatre producer. Where once I viewed a girlfriend as someone who got in the way of having a good time, now I’m with someone who helps me to be a better version of myself.
She’ll point out when I talk over her, or when I’m bragging. Now, instead of joining in when I witness men treating women badly, I try to hold them to account.
For example, when I’m on the Tube and I see a man staring at a girl, I stare at him. Once I catch his eye I look from him to the woman he’s been ogling, and then back again — my intention to make him feel as uncomfortable as I know he will have made her.
Of course, there are some men who behave better.
At university, a teammate from school trained with us for a week, with a view to joining us. It took him two days to decide we were idiots and turn his back on the opportunity.
He made it look easy to be that kind of man. I’m still appalled by the fact I wasn’t strong enough to behave better.
Unfortunately, there are still far too many young men following in my footsteps. I just hope that by holding myself up as a warning, rather than an example, I will help them understand that it’s not just women who lose out when we treat them this way. We do, too.
And for the parents wondering how on earth all this will impact on their daughters? They should urge them to resist buying into a ladette culture.
Both young women and young men need to align themselves with those who are prepared to expose toxic laddish behaviour, instead of joining in with it.