POLITICAL BOZOS WHO BORE ME TO DEATH

AS A BREED, our politicians are stultifyingly dull. How dare they be? Why do they go into politics if they have nothing electrifying to say?

Theresa May is so boring that they should use her to dig for shale gas.

She would not have prospered in the pre-TV age, when politicians had to quell vast crowds with their election addresses.

Instead she made it to PM without ever hurling herself into a national campaign; when she did try her hand at it in the 2017 general election campaign, she was a dud.

Have you ever sat through a Philip Hammond speech? Your eyelids seem to become laden down by fishing weights.

To watch an audience during a lecture by those Labour plodders Alistair Darling and Patricia Hewitt, or the ex-Tory health secretary Andrew Lansley, is to see a scorpion slowly starved of oxygen in a bell jar.

Onlookers reach the point where they would prefer to sting themselves rather than be suffocated to death by dullness.

We all now know that in private John Major was a hip-jiggling, afternoon copulator, as randy as Russell Brand, but in public Major had the speaking manner of a nasal nerd. It takes a warped audacity to go forth and stultify.

At its root is the casual belief that the audience is peripheral to the process. The people are just bystanders, whereas politics is for the cognoscenti.

Don’t communicate too openly with them, for goodness’ sake.

We don’t want them to develop an unhealthy interest in ideas.

And then these bozos are surprised when a ripsnorter like Nigel Farage or acid Alex Salmond or even Pied Piper Jeremy Corbyn comes along and grabs attention by being different.