Make way for the Markle Adviser-in-Chief
PrINCe HArrY took Meghan ‘We are in love’ Markle to tea with the Queen at Buckingham Palace, so one presumes the first phase of her induction into the royal Family is over.
Now things are about to get serious for the star of stage, screen and Suits. royal watchers predict an engagement announcement is on the horizon, which must be equal parts excitement and sheer, glutesclenching terror for the 36-year-old. The fates, after all, are being tempted.
Meghan cannot be unaware of what happened to Grace Kelly, the actress who abandoned her Hollywood career for a life behind palace walls when she married Prince rainier of Monaco in 1956. Afterwards, she seemed to live a diminished existence in a dull principality, with other dusty european royals. Meghan is a divorced American actress with some deliciously dodgy family members. Some would say she is not entirely suitable for the royal Family, but a lot of current members aren’t suitable, so hush your criticism. Following tea with the Queen, what fresh social hurdles are next on her horizon? And who is guiding her, offering a sisterly hand on her shoulder, a quiet word of caution about the ripped jeans, a hint about what to do when it comes to pheasant strangling?
Meghan needs some help along this treacherous route to romance — but from whom? Need you ask!
I would like to offer my services as Markle Adviser-in-Chief, and have spared no expense assembling a quick primer just to get us started.
Firstly, afternoon tea. A meal between meals. Specialities include a speckled slab of lard called ‘fruitcake’. A scone is a knuckle of floury carbs and is pronounced ‘yuk’.
Meghan must learn how to wave from a moving vehicle, and wear tiaras while nibbling prawn starters. She must also sew pound coins into her hems so that skirts don’t float around her ears in a helicopter down-draft. You think that’s obvious? No one told Kate.
I will also be on hand to explain the hierarchy within royal lady circles. The tiny one with the crown? She is the Queen. Liz Hurley? Not actually royal, m’dear, only thinks she is. Ditto the Duchess of York, who isn’t really a duchess, and will possibly ask to borrow a fiver.
Do not be alarmed at Princess Anne, who often barks at her brothers and sometimes smells of horses.
Warning: do not approach Princess Michael of Kent, unless you are armed with a chair and brandishing a whip. More to follow, Meghan, but call me with any problems for the time being. Good luck!