Was I wrong to cut off my best friend?

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE cut off my male best friend of 20 years.

I’m 27 and have post-traumatic stress disorder. Recently, and without meaning to, he triggered a very bad incident in me. He told me about a change in his life that brought back memories of abuse from my past.

He and I have had problems before with my triggers, but although he was trying to be sensitive, he set me off again. He didn’t do anything wrong, and I feel terrible ending what was probably the closest friendship I have ever experienced.

I don’t think I can continue hearing from him without repeated episodes. Have I done the right thing? I know he was unhappy about this, too.

In our last conversation, we dealt with other long-standing issues and put some closure on the matter. I miss him terribly. Should I just have called a time-out?

GINNY

ThErE is so little information here that although I have read your email several times for clues, I still feel blindfolded. Never mind . . . you and I have to think about the nature of friendship and how precious it can be.

Whatever you decide, you must always keep this thought to the forefront of your mind: that your dear friend has always meant a lot to you and always will.

You give no detail about your PTSD, nor hint at what your friend might have said to trigger it. The first thing to say is I hope you have received professional help for this condition, especially as it seems to show no sign of easing.

If you have received counselling in the past and stopped, then I beg you to go to your GP and explain about these triggers, with a view to getting help again. This is a serious condition — anyone who does not fully understand it can visit www.nhs.uk/conditions/ post-traumatic-stress-disorder for invaluable information.

Your friend has always been very understanding, hasn’t he? You’ve known him since childhood and shared so much with him, growing up together with the same depth of empathy.

he has been the one to whom you could always confide your troubles. Somebody like you, who has suffered great pain and goes on enduring the effects of abuse, must have an incalculable need for close friendships. Or perhaps just one precious friend.

You know what I’m going to say, because you have pre-empted it. You miss your friend ‘terribly’ — and know he’s completely innocent of any wish to hurt you. he’s always tried to help. So imagine that you are an all-powerful goddess figure, holding up a pair of scales, like the scales of justice on top of the Old Bailey.

On one side, a lumpen weight; you have the wrong that was done to you in the past — an outrage you find it hard to speak of. But into the other side of the scale I want you to put the years of friendship with this man, one by one — 240 months have to be a considerable weight.

Add to that the depth of your affection over that time, chuck in the fun, the confidences, the cups of tea and glasses of wine, the laughter and the tears... Top it with what you know about your friend’s personality, weighing every good thing like a lump of silver. In your mind’s eye, I hope you recognise that the weight on the good side is much greater than that on the side of sorrow.

This exercise of visualisation can be very useful for all of us, when confronted with the kind of choice you have.

Maybe someone has quarrelled with a family member and is now refusing to speak to him/her. If so, weigh up the bad you think they have done against all the good. If in doubt, interpret an action positively.

Always reach out for the goodness in people — it is far more precious than any slight or hurt.

Of course I think you should make up with your old friend as soon as possible. If you don’t you will be allowing the evil that has been done to you to triumph over all the good this valuable friendship represents.

Please don’t do that. Make contact with your friend and talk once more, even if you put a bar on certain things. And do go on seeking professional help.