Sea lion: I’ve NEVER picked up a penguin!
BULL’S ANGER AT BLUE PLANET SLUR
Sir, As a highly respected member of the Bull Sea Lion community, and treasurer of The Southern Ocean Bull Sea Lion Association, i take the gravest exception to my portrayal in the intrusive Blue Planet ii series.
Sir David Attenborough has clearly swallowed hook, line and sinker the mixture of gossip and half-truths put about by the penguins and pelicans of this world.
He says that i am — and i quote — ‘an aggressive predator’.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Throughout my time in the Southern Ocean, i have gained a reputation as one of the most caring and socially conscious of all Bull Sea Lions.
Yes, from time to time i may have inadvertently brushed up against a young female penguin. in the hubbub of the ocean, this is hardly surprising. it should come as no surprise to learn that penguins waddle provocatively, their gait and outerwear leaving little to the imagination. Yet they continue to ‘play the innocent’!
From time to time, i have been asked for advice by ambitious young penguins. i have always done my best to accommodate them. This may involve taking them to a cosy nook and having a quiet word in their ear. it may even include a friendly pat on the back. But to suggest that i would gobble them up is a monstrous calumny. Decades ago, i may have eaten one or two, but not for as long as i can remember.
No, i am the victim of trick photography, false perspectives and dodgy reporting. The matter is now in the capable flippers of my solicitors, Andrew Dolphin and Co. Yours faithfully, Geoffrey Bull Sea Lion. Sir, As the chairman and founder of the Blue Planet Survivors Association, may i extend my warmest sympathy to Geoffrey Bull Sea Lion?
i, too, have experienced loss of reputation at the hands of David Attenborough and his minions.
As a leading Elephant Seal, i often enjoy a bout of boisterous horseplay with one or two of my fellow male Elephant Seals. We always emerge the best of mates.
So imagine my horror upon tuning in to Blue Planet ii to find myself described by Attenborough as being in ‘a bloody battle to control a harem of females’!
At no time did Attenborough make an approach to either myself or my companions for an interview. Had he done so, i would have informed him that we were simply a group of highly respected Elephant Seals indulging in playful locker-room behaviour. Mr J. Elephant Seal. Sir, Further to your two previous correspondents, i am a young Plankter and chair of the SingleCelled Victims Support Group.
Every year, we receive thousands of complaints from the bacteria and algae communities. All of them tell us how they have been mercilessly preyed upon by larger fish and ocean-going mammals. it can’t go on like this. Our plan is to raise Plankton awareness worldwide by making 2018 The Year of the Plankton. Many commentators, such as Sir David Attenborough, seem to think Plankton are nothing more than the lowest members of the food chain. This is why we plan to stage a variety of events to show that we are a diverse group with much to offer.
Did you know that Harry Styles, Meryl Streep, Victoria Beckham and Andrew LloydWebber are all descended from Plankton? And it is a little known fact that Plankton used mobile phones 500 years before humans. They looked much like iPhones, but over 500 billion times smaller.
Many Plankton are skilled watercolourists, while others excel in the concert hall or on the playing field. We also have a worldwide reputation for ballroom dancing.
Despite this, the producers of Strictly Come Dancing continue to exclude leading Plankton from their show. They hide behind safety issues, citing fears that a professional dancer partnering a Plankter could put his or her foot down during the cha-cha and squash their celebrity partner stone dead.
While i appreciate their concerns, i am determined to re-brand Plankton in 2018. it’s high time we saw a single-celled organism on high-profile shows such as Question Time. i know Chris Grayling has been on, and that’s a start, but it’s still not quite the same. (Ms) Deirdre Plankton.