I’m gay, but the man I love and bankroll has run off with a woman

DEAR BEL

I’M 45 and live with my mother. I’m gay, but only came out five years ago and have never had a proper relationship. No one has ever said they loved me. I’m ugly. No one has ever found me attractive and I hate the way I look. Bel, I am so lonely.

I know I’ve missed out on my best years. Sometimes I struggle carrying on. My mum only has me, so I have to. I could have afforded my own home, but after my father’s death 15 years ago I moved home to help — and just stayed.

Ten years ago, I met a guy through work and we became friends. He changed departments, so I didn’t see him — but just after I came out he contacted me and we met up.

He’s straight, knew I liked him and began becoming more than a mate (he initiated it, I promise). I got him a better job and did everything for him and he said we were ‘together’. He’s had all my money — but I didn’t mind because I thought I had someone who loved me.

Last year he met a girl, they moved in and now have a baby. But

Your email is heartbreaking; who could not sympathise with the plight of a decent man taken advantage of by somebody he loves?

You’re not the first and you certainly won’t be the last — whatever your sexuality. Yes, all dilemmas are invariably more complex, but I

he tells me he loves me and that she’s a lesbian — and all the time still takes my money.

I know what I’m doing, but I’m so scared of being on my own again. I only see him at work or if he needs some shopping at the weekend.

I can’t tell my small circle of friends how I’m feeling because my breakdown last year happened because of this guy. I’m desperate and he knows it.

If I died, the only person who’d miss me is my mum. I’ve got no one who needs me and I know in my heart that I won’t ever meet anyone due to my looks.

I’m sorry to trouble you, I know I should count my blessings as I’ve got my health, great job etc, but I feel so desperate.

Seeing this guy at work every day kills me. He’s so happy with his life and I resent that, but I know I shouldn’t and he deserves to be happy. I know I shouldn’t see him, but he’s got a hold over me. What do you advise? HENRY

am on your side. So I’m questioning your statement that ‘he deserves to be happy’.

Considering how much this man has hurt and exploited you, such magnanimity is admirable. But I cannot share it.

You imply that you and he were in a mutually loving relationship (whether or not physical), but why did it involve you giving him money

all the time? Why is he telling you he loves you yet still milks you for cash while living with somebody else, with a baby?

To me, that smells to the high heavens. he’s made you miserable and caused a breakdown.

isn’t it time you threw your rose-tinted spectacles aside — grinding them under your heel for good measure?

Let’s consider the fact that you only felt able to come out as a gay man at 40. For the ten years up to that point you were taking care of your mother. A good son. But it would surely have been better for you not to stay so long and to buy your own place.

i’m also sad you were afraid to acknowledge your sexuality sooner. But there is nothing to be done about that past; we have to concentrate on where you are now.

Will you do a little exercise for me? Type: ‘What do i do if i think i am ugly?’ into a search engine, see what comes up, and spend at least an hour reading through the results, making notes from websites and thinking about what you find.

Then make a list of all the good things you know about who you are, how you behave and what you look like. (For example, you may have all your hair — which some men would envy.) Whatever it is, find a good thing to note down — and another two or three as well. Then opposite that list, make another one of the things you might change about yourself. Clothing is an obvious one; a different haircut is another.

You say ‘no one has ever found me attractive’ — yet this man you’re obsessed with presumably thought you looked OK. You say nobody has ever said they love you, then tell me he says just that!

in any case, you’ve been focusing on him for five years, which leaves no time or space for anybody else, does it? Your deep sense of loneliness must have become a habit of mind during all the years when you were afraid to acknowledge your true sexuality, and i feel nothing but sympathy for you.

BuT you know perfectly well that unless you break the ‘hold’ this man has over you, it will be impossible for you to move forward with your life. Finding something ‘difficult’ is no stop to getting on and doing it! You can’t see him again and must certainly not give him any more money. i believe you should have a frank talk with your mother and suggest you sell the home and perhaps buy two flats near each other. Explain to her that you have been unhappy and need some independence.

The world needs you, henry, so raise your eyes beyond the present and make changes.