Susannah Constantine

BEST known for dishing out style advice with Trinny Woodall on TV’s What Not to Wear, Susannah Constantine, 55, lives in Sussex with Danish husband Sten Bertelsen, a businessman and their three children, 18, 16 and 13.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO TURN INTO YOUR MUM

My MOTHER had episodes of manic depression. No one talked about mental health in the Sixties, when we were growing up in the countryside outside Leicester. I remember waking up with dread every day, wondering how she’d be.

She was wonderful — charismatic, as she was a bit of a mystery. But she was also ill. It manifested itself in a mania. She would talk so fast we couldn’t understand what she was saying. She wouldn’t sleep for days and then would write ten unintelligible letters in minutes.

As I got older she was pretty much in a permanent catatonic state. She would stare, unblinking, for hours. Her movement was interminable, as if in slow motion. She barely ate a thing. As a child I’d think she was doing it to annoy me. In my teens I’d sometimes think: ‘Oh for God’s sake, get a grip!’ I couldn’t understand what she was going through. I learned to escape into my head.

It was difficult for my poor father. Her illness became bigger than their relationship. He didn’t know how to deal with it, so the easiest thing was for him to deny it was happening.

My sister was six years older than me, but it was our housekeeper who became my surrogate mother. She is still part of my life. I think I’m as sane as I am because of her. I had to grow up too fast, but I was unsophisticated. My mother and the countryside were my world.

My background was privileged, but it wasn’t the ideal happy childhood. I don’t look back with resentment. It’s made me strong. If you grow up with no worries, it doesn’t equip you for life. If you get it out of the way early on, you’ve got tools to deal with any drama.

Work has been my safety net and I think it’s kept me from going down the same route as my mother. I don’t think I have that gene in me, but that’s what drives me more than anything. I have two daughters and I’ve learned a lot from them, and seen how parenting might have been if my mother hadn’t had a mental illness.

When you realise the only person who can help you is yourself, it’s so liberating. I’m 55 and I’ve finally grown up. AFTER The Snow by Susannah Constantine is published by HQ, £12.99