Eek! I’ve spotted my friend’s man on a dating site
QI DIVORCED three years ago and recently plucked up the courage to start dating again. I joined two sites and also downloaded an app onto my phone. Last week, I was scrolling through the profiles of men on the app when I was shocked to see a picture of my friend’s partner pop up. They’ve been together for years and seem happy. I know my friend would be devastated if she found out. I’m torn: I’m furious with him and don’t want him to be able to get away with such behaviour, but I don’t want to be responsible for ruining my friend’s happiness either. What can I do?
AWELL done you, first of all, for getting up and out there again. The decision to start dating again is a difficult one, and it can be dispiriting to start with — quite apart from unwelcome encounters such as this. Don’t let it put you off, or make you suspect everyone’s leading a double life.
However, if it makes you interrogate the information people give, that’s no bad thing. it’s all too easy to be plausible in a few lines, but it takes time to discover if someone’s a decent character or not. Persevere!
Although you’ve caught this man out, it’s important to say that no one knows the true state of anyone else’s relationship. Perhaps he does it to boost his ego with no intention of cheating on his partner.
of course, maybe he is on there with every intention of sleeping with other women. But perhaps — it’s not completely out of the question — your friend knows.
The bottom line is that, whether or not his marriage is on the rocks, he’s pretending to be available when he clearly isn’t. it’s never a good idea to tell one partner about the other’s transgressions. History is littered with tales of people who were blamed, often excommunicated, for information they were merely passing on. i do think, though, that you should tell you know. Tell him what you’ve seen and say that unless he removes his picture and details from this site, then you’ll have no choice but to tell his partner. You can also tell him how despicable you think his behaviour is. if he has no intention of cheating, he might hide behind the defence that it’s harmless. Put him straight: that’s far from the truth. online dating isn’t a game as you know. There are real people and real feelings involved and any unknowing women he hooks up with could get hurt. Hopefully, he’s gone no further than posting and he’ll be embarrassed and apologetic. if he’s a serial philanderer, he’ll find other ways to be unfaithful. But at least you won’t bump into him again! You’ll never feel the same about their relationship, of course, but focus on your happiness rather than worrying about theirs. give them the chance to get over this and give yourself the freedom to find a better sort of man.