How grannies can suffer the baby blues too
Of course, they adore their grandchildren. But these grandmothers admit their new role has taken its toll
‘I have to pretend that I’m ecstatic’ ‘I was a mother for so long — this is my time’
YOU might imagine that every woman looks forward to a time in her life when a little child reaches up for her hand and calls her ‘Grandma’. After all, having spent years of hard graft raising your own children, being a grandmother is supposed to be the fun bit. You can spoil the little ones, but hand them back when they become tired, tearful or just tiresome.
But when Dawn McIntyre took her toddler grandson to the playground, being called ‘Grandma’ in public had her wincing with mortification. She even gave the confused little boy a stern ‘shoosh’, so that no one within earshot would know their relationship.
It took her a full three years before she could bear to be addressed as ‘Grandma’ — until then, she had baulked at it as a title she neither asked for nor accepted.
Looking back, Dawn says it was not just the fact the word ‘Grandma’ is still associated with old ladies with bubble perms and Nora Batty tights.
Dawn, who still had her own rewarding career as the director of a fire security company, is also brave enough to admit that the arrival of her first grandchildren felt like an invasion.
The 54-year-old, who lives in Tyne and Wear, says: ‘When my eldest daughter, Rebecca, announced she was pregnant, I felt numb for a long time.
‘It wasn’t just the fact that people said I looked young for my age or that the word ‘Gran’ instantly made me feel 20 years older.
‘It was also that I was juggling my own career, and starting out a new life having recently left an unhappy long-term relationship.
‘I was a woman who had always been in control of my life and had mapped out my own future. Now I had a role handed to me in which I had no say.
‘Everyone expected me to be over the moon. Yet I felt so much in the prime of my life that I was devastated.’
Dawn has confronted a secret that has long been kept taboo — and that’s that the words ‘You’re going to be a grandmother’ do not necessarily trigger feelings of unmitigated joy.
In an era when women have never stayed so young and vital for so long, there are (whisper it) some who do not relish this next stage of life, let alone its return to nappychanging and nose-wiping.
‘Becoming a grandmother is supposed to come naturally, but it doesn’t for everyone,’ admits Dawn.
‘When Rebecca broke the news 11 years ago that she had fallen pregnant unexpectedly by her boyfriend, I admit that my first words to her weren’t “Congratulations”, but: “Is this what you want?”
‘I didn’t show any happiness, but that was how I felt.
‘It wasn’t just that, at 18, Rebecca was younger than I would have hoped and I felt too young to be a grandmother. It was also that I suddenly felt bracketed with old people.
‘If friends said to me: “You’re going to be a granny, you must be thrilled”, I’d sharply tell them it was no joke and it was not to be spoken about. I couldn’t see being a grandma as any part of my identity.
‘I adored Liam when he was born. But when he got big enough to call me Grandma, I’d try to keep him quiet, although I never minded being mistaken for his mum!’
For other women, in the same way as not every mother bonds immediately with her baby, not every grandmother feels an instant rush of love.
After all, unlike when they gave birth, grandmothers don’t get the same build-up of bonding hormones as they did in pregnancy, yet they are still expected to show as much elation at the birth.
The fact that they are one generation removed, there are rival grandparents cooing over the carry-cot, too, and they are not bound to the new arrival by an umbilical cord means it’s a more complicated relationship.
When they privately find it hard to show delight in every gummy smile, some compare their feelings of guilt and disappointment to a form of post-natal depression.
New grandmother Miriam Pollard, 63, is one of the very few who will confess to this guilty secret.
Miriam, a garden designer who lives in Suffolk, says: ‘These days, you can say most things, but not that you aren’t a head-over-heels-inlove grandmother.
‘When I had my sons, I honestly believed they were the most perfect babies in the world. But I didn’t feel the same burst of love when my granddaughter was born three months ago.
‘The bond is between my daughter-in-law and her child. I feel left out and even nervous about picking Leila up because her mother is so protective.
‘I have to pretend to be ecstatic, but it can be hard work at times at family gatherings, particularly when the baby’s other grandmother acts as though her life is finally complete.’
Another factor that can take the edge off the euphoria is worry.
In a survey for the book Help, I’m A Granny!, some of the main anxieties for new grandmothers include suddenly feeling older, not having enough time to see their grandchildren, worrying about how their own children will cope with parenthood, having to provide financial support to their children and also being put second to the child’s other grandmother.
Yet with the number of mothers returning to work climbing all the time, the top worry is that they will have to sacrifice their own lives and careers to care for the new arrivals.
As childcare costs continue to soar, 1.3 million working mothers now rely on an unpaid army of grandparents, according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS).
One grandmother who felt she had to impose strict limits from the start is Lynne Bennett, 69, married for more than 50 years to George, 76.
Lynne, from Milton Keynes, whose first granddaughter, Hannah, was born 11 years ago, says: ‘You have to say to your own children: “You can’t take me for granted. I’ve got my own life to live as well.”
‘At one stage, when my granddaughter was about three, my son said to me: “Could you babysit on Saturday?”
‘I said: “No, I’m going out.” He replied: “You’re always going out”, and I said: “Well, it’s our time to go out. I brought you up and paid people to look after you when I went out, and you should do the same. Let us have a good time.” He’s had to accept it.’
Women may even feel less sexual as a result of grandparenthood. PA Miriam O’Neill, 54, from Edgbaston, Birmingham, says becoming a granny made her feel so dowdy that, at first, she went off intimate relations with her husband Christopher, 56.
‘I had just come through the menopause, so becoming a grandmother two years ago on top of that felt a real lurch towards old age,’ she admits. ‘I kept thinking: “I’m a granny now. Is this appropriate?” Whenever Christopher started feeling in a romantic mood at bedtime, I was reluctant to reciprocate because I couldn’t let go of the image of old biddies that kept popping up in my head.’
But then, for many, the image of being a grandmother and staying attractive never feels completely compatible.
Carolyne Martin, 68, believes her two sons had to recognise that becoming a grandmother was never going to be ‘the centre of my universe’.
Having only given up work as a sales consultant earlier this year, Carolyne, who lives in Knutsford, Cheshire, and has four grandchildren aged from one to nine, says she feels her priority has to be to stay fit and healthy.
She says: ‘You’re trying to keep this body together. I do Pilates three times a week at the gym, which is filled with women over 40 like me who are keeping their figures. I also do yoga and look after my skin. My generation expects to do more in our later lives.
‘I was a mother for so long, but now, I feel that this is my time. My grandchildren are a big part of my life, but they’re not the whole thing.’
Carolyne adds: ‘Many women of my age are tired now because we were working mothers, too.
‘Yet you hear other grandmothers at the social clubs saying: “Oh, I’ve got to go and pick up little so-and-so from school.” And I’m thinking: “Excuse me, but didn’t you do that 30 years ago?”
‘I’m a widow — my husband, Colin, died six years ago. So I am in the final shift of my life and I want to enjoy it. As much as I love my grandchildren, I respect their privacy and they respect mine. I prefer quality time over quantity.’
Furthermore, like many grandmas, Carolyne feels that childcare has moved on out of all recognition.
‘These days, parents are their kids’ best friends, which is different to how it was in my day,’ she says. ‘Plus, I wouldn’t know where to start on helping
with today’s homework. I also have had some friends really hurt by the way they’ve been corrected about issues such as meal-times and bedtimes while looking after their grandchildren. It’s quite insulting. You’d think we’d never had children ourselves!’
Clinical psychologist Emma Citron agrees that it’s difficult for today’s grandparents to get it right. ‘Your daughter-in-law may have very different ideas about child-rearing,’ she explains.
‘She may like dummies and you don’t. While older generations weaned children at three-and-ahalf months, today’s mothers wait until six months. So you can get all these tensions. It’s heartfelt, because both sides feel the child’s wellbeing is at stake.’
Yet if adult children sense a lack of enthusiasm on a grandmother’s part, it can be deeply hurtful.
Laura Scott, 43, a therapist from Belsize Park, North-West London, says: ‘My husband Richard and I were on cloud nine when our first son, Joshua, was born — so much so that we had a video made of his first year, which was set to music.
‘We sent my parents-in-law a copy of it, but every time we rang them to ask about it, they still hadn’t got around to watching it. This went on for weeks.
‘Admittedly, he was their fifth grandchild, so the novelty had worn off, but they could at least have tried to share our excitement.
‘When he was three months old, I found out that they had driven 90 miles to a lunch party and gone past our house without bothering to drop in, even though we see them only a few times a year because of the distance.
‘Nothing was said, but it soured my view of them.’
For Dawn McIntyre’s daughter, 30-year-old Rebecca Hancock, it was also hard to see that her mother did not share her joy.
‘At first, I thought it was just her conflicting feelings about the name “Grandma”, but it went deeper. Mum was in the labour room when Liam was born, and the midwife said: “Is baby going to Dad or Grandma to hold first?”
‘Mum didn’t say anything, but I could see from her expression of shock that she was taken aback.
‘It was like: “I’m not ready for this.” It was as though accepting the title put a stamp on it and made it real.
‘I remember wanting to buy her a card with Grandma on it, and then worrying that I’d offend her.
‘Finally, it got to the point when Liam was 18 months old, and starting to talk, that I had to sit down and tell her he couldn’t call her Dawn, as it was too confusing. So she agreed to be “Nanny Dawn”.
‘She was known as that until he was three, when he took it upon himself to call her Grandma because my brother and sister would tell him: “Go to Grandma.”
‘It was at that point that she realised she had to accept it.
‘Looking back, I think having grandchildren put a massive strain on her because of the extra responsibility she felt at a particularly busy time of her life.
‘Since then, I have had two more sons and Mum has become more accepting of the title.’
Looking back, Dawn sees she has come full circle.
‘My love for my grandsons is unbelievable. It’s the stereotyping of grandmothers I don’t like.’
Indeed, it seems that there has never been a more urgent need to update our image of what a grandmother is. Cari Rosen, the editor of social networking site Gransnet, says: ‘The stereotyping is horrendous. The fact that the word “Granny” can be used a pejorative term is madness.
‘Even today, the word summons up visions of a grey-haired old lady knitting in front of the fire, which couldn’t be further from the truth of modern grandmas.
‘Grandparents on our site generally range from their late 40s to their 80s. You can’t put all those women in one group.
‘We know from our forums that these are the same women they always were. They have lives full of work, travel and their own interests.
‘Becoming a grandmother doesn’t change who you are. It just adds another layer to your life.’ Some names have been changed.
‘The stereotype is a knitting, greyhaired old lady’