A gold-plated dead dog? It’s proof the super-rich really are barking
At Christmas, it’s always such a headache choosing the perfectly tasteless gift for the tacky billionaire in your life. Fear not: a blingtastic business called Goldgenie has the answer. they’ll gold-plate a useless status symbol for you, because nothing says ‘pointless waste of money’ like a thin veneer of gilt.
they’re turning a mcLaren F1 supercar a glittery shade of yellow but, as The World’s Most Expensive Presents (C4) revealed, lesser items are available.
Golden specialities include a single rose, because everybody knows these are the epitome of class. Or you might want a gold-plated cigar. arfur Daley would be most impressed.
Goldgenie’s salesman Laban demonstrated how the magic was achieved, with a cotton bud, a solution of metallic syrup and an electric current. it looked like something that might be done with an old kit from Woolworth’s.
But it didn’t work on everything. One woman wanted her dead dog gold-plated. Laban turned her down, which seemed a bit squeamish. there’s a gap in the market there . . . GoldFido!
For dogs that are still alive and wagging, the range of canine accoutrements is endless. Dog couturier rachelle made ballgowns and capes for spoiled pooches, such as monsieur Lulu the dachshund, who was being fitted with a gold lamé coat.
to show off her most extravagant creations, rachelle hired a supermodel called mollie — half chihuahua, half pug, all diva. mollie could wear a £40,000 bridal gown with more confidence than any a-lister.
this show fawned over the ‘luxury goods’ merchants and their tawdry creations as shamelessly as gossip columnists at a movie premiere.
it needed a presenter, someone who wasn’t dazzled, to ask the super-rich whether their shiny purchases really gave them any happiness, or just left them with a deeper sense of emptiness.
somebody should have challenged the people making poker chips from stingray skin and swarovski crystals, with the box covered in alligator hide at £250 a square inch: has anyone ever spent more money to make something that looks like it came from Poundland?
Not every bit of tat found a buyer, though. the leather-bound colouring book, filled with ‘bespoke drawings’, that retailed at £23,900, stayed on the shelf. they ought to get it gold-plated. that would be classy.
the most stylish moments of Invasion! (BBC4) were supplied by the movie clips, illustrating dramatic moments in British history. Best of all were the scenes from robin hood in 1922, with sam de Grasse as Bad King John — a monarch so wicked that his thugs snatched a puppy from the hands of an innocent peasant in the market place. the dire cads!
We glimpsed robert Newton in treasure island and Glenda Jackson as Elizabeth i, but the one that proved harder to place was a blood-and-thunder William the Conquerer, pounding the table with his fist as he recited lines from a school textbook. it looked like a clip from a sixties educational tV episode — answers on a postcard, please.
Presenter sam Willis was having a marvellous time, bounding around the south Coast to explain the juiciest bits from history — how Barbary pirates kidnapped thousands of Brits and sold them into slavery in africa, for instance.
he tried his hand at lobshotting: firing arrows high in the air, so they rained down on the enemy behind their shield walls. that’s how King harold got pierced through the eye, apparently. Nuggets like that are pure gold.