England’s booze cruise is in last-chance saloon

The problem for england is that, having failed to pull off the easy part, the only route to redemption is by doing the hard part, in Perth.

easy was staying out of trouble on this Ashes tour. Reading the mood in the aftermath of Ben Stokes’ arrest in Bristol, and adapting accordingly. Instead, the squad have lurched from one self-inflicted crisis to another and no reminder of the dangers seems to sink in. They will emerge into the harsh light of the WACA tomorrow a laughing stock, the punchline of joke headlines — ‘Tour de Sauce’, for those who enjoy puns — and mocking marketing opportunities.

An Australian online betting company is offering odds on an england player vomiting on the field at the WACA, being obviously drunk during play, or of the third Test being called off due to english hangovers. every eCB tourist has a price for being the first to be sent home, and also for being admitted to rehab before the tour ends. The sledging received from the likes of David Warner appears mild by comparison.

Joe Root, the captain, and his predecessor Alastair Cook were hard at work yesterday trying to exude positive vibes and endorsements of unprecedented professionalism, but it is too late for exercises in news management. The only way back for england now involves winning at the WACA — the hard part.

england did achieve victory in Perth in 1978, but that was against an Australian XI weakened by desertion to Kerry Packer’s tour. On the other 12 occasions when england have faced Australia here, they have never won, and invariably lose heavily.

So when Root spoke yesterday of changing the narrative with a win, it underlined only how poorly this tour has been handled. had england represented themselves well in Australia, the prospect of another Ashes series over in three Tests would have been disappointing, but not without mitigation.

There is a reason Ashes tours take the route from Brisbane to Perth, via Adelaide — this is the hosts playing their strongest hand. england are bounced around Fortress Australia and, with increasingly reduced time to prepare, losses are increasingly inevitable. This tour, however, has added an element of drunken farce. An england team it is possible to believe do not care, who are less committed than Australia, unprofessional, distracted. And this is not just an outsider’s perception.

There are senior figures within the eCB who share this view, who feel england’s players are not sufficiently concerned with how they are now perceived.

Root, certainly, is the exception to that. If a beer-drinking game had been played at his press conference yesterday, anyone compelled to down one at the mention of the word ‘frustrated’ or ‘frustration’ would have been quite inebriated by the end. It is fair to say that his first, maybe only, Ashes tour as england captain is not quite the stuff of schoolboy dreams.

Root felt the peak of his cap. ‘I don’t know how I’ve still got all my hair,’ he said. ‘That’s why the cap’s coming out because my hairline’s getting further and further back. I can completely see how captaincy takes a toll. I knew it would be very challenging here and there would be stuff around the cricket, but not to this extent if I’m being brutally honest.

‘You’ve got to learn from it, as individuals and as a captain. I feel like I’ve learned a lot in nine games — about this group of players, too. I feel I can improve on where we’re at and that will stand us in good stead. The lads have to wake up and smarten up. We’ve got to be really smart in how we repair.’ he corrected himself. ‘how we prepare.’

It was a slip of the tongue, but Root is right. england are in the repair business right now. Repairing their image, repairing their reputations, repairing their standing with people who are up all night at home and would really prefer it if the team they were tuning in to watch weren’t doing the same.

Root mounted a staunch defence of his squad but, beneath, he no doubt feels as let down as anybody; as coach Trevor Bayliss, who could lose his job if it is thought discipline has gone to hell on his watch; as players such as Moeen Ali or Cook, who are rarely present when things fall apart; as all the members of the squad now bracketed with those who have, quite literally, brought english cricket into disrepute.

‘It’s been very frustrating,’ Root continued. ‘What people don’t know is that this is not a fair reflection on this group of players.

‘We have to be smarter, those