My heroes and villains of the year!
Sorry, Brad Pitt, you know which you are!
AT THE North Pole, an elderly bearded gentleman in a red flannel suit is finalising his gift-giving list. Every year Father Christmas sorts the heroes from the villains, sifting the flaky undeserving from the solid-gold goodies, deciding who has been naughty and nice. It’s a big job but never fear, Santa, I can help. My Naughty or Nice list stretches beyond the great and not-so-good to ordinary folk who did extraordinary things. Bless you all, each and every one of you! THE NICE LIST Ariana Grande
Following the terror attack at her Manchester Arena concert in May, in which 22 people lost their lives and more than 500 were injured, it would have been understandable if the singer Ariana grande had taken her leave of the limelight for a while.
instead, she gathered support from other stars and put on the one love tribute concert in Manchester, which raised millions for the victims and their families.
only 23 years old at the time of the attack, the way she conducted herself, her poise and grace against a backdrop of tragedy was truly impressive.
The Missing People Choir
My FAvourite act on itv’s Britain’s got talent this year was the Missing People Choir. their members have missing loved ones, some of them children.
Peter Boxell’s son lee vanished aged 15 in 1988 and other members include rachel elias, the sister of missing Manic Street Preachers guitarist richey edwards, who disappeared in 1995, and Peter lawrence, whose chef daughter Claudia went missing in 2009.
For them, grief has no end. their dignity, as they sang through the tears each week, was very moving.
the choir didn’t win the contest, but at least two families have been reunited following their tv appearances. there is no better prize.
Wonder Woman
it took wonder woman nearly 80 years to make it to Hollywood but it was worth the wait. unlike the dreary feminist remake of oceans eleven, this soaring story of a she-crusader was terrific.
israeli actress gal gadot starred as the rebooted Diana Prince. As tradition demands, she was long of thigh, short of skirt and with a swelling C-cupped breastplate. naturally, she was also still a heroine who knows where her duty lies.
‘if no one else will defend the world, then i must,’ she cried. Attagirl.
The Queen
My love for this incredible woman endures.
this year, HM commemorated her Sapphire Jubilee, had 30,000 people to tea at Buckingham Palace and Holyrood House, went all over the country, celebrated the first platinum wedding anniversary in royal history, launched an aircraft carrier, doled out her Maundy Money, organised a state visit for the king of Spain, welcomed Meghan Markle into the family, appointed a new government
after a disastrous General Election and held together a fractious and divided nation.
Yesterday, she even got the train to King’s Lynn for her Christmas break at Sandringham. She strode along the platform in the most darling purple coat and headscarf, with Prince Philip at her side, not even wearing an overcoat.
What a pair. What a woman. Deep curtsey.
Meghan Markle
SHE knows what she knows, she has read all the history books, she understands the past, yet she is still going to marry harry and throw her lot in with the Windsors. This will probably be the greatest act of charity she ever performs.
have you ever seen Prince harry looking so happy? Congratulations — to her and him.
Hayley Martin
HAYLEY knows her unborn baby will die shortly after delivery but is going through with the birth anyway so she can donate the baby’s organs to other desperately ill children.
hers is an extraordinary gesture of humanity. To be so generous under pressure, at a time of personal loss, takes real courage.
The Emergency Services
WHAT a year. The firemen (and women) at Grenfell Tower. The fireman who rescued a baby at Cameron house, by Loch Lomond, this week, popping wee Jimmy Logan under his arm like a parcel, then one-handedly negotiating a 50ft ladder, wreathed in smoke, to safety. To firemen everywhere, thank you.
Thanks also to Wayne Marques, the British Transport policeman who sustained serious injuries while fighting against the London Bridge attackers.
armed with only his baton, he was repeatedly stabbed as he fought all three terrorists. ‘I was just trying to save lives,’ he said.
and also to Tobias Ellwood MP, the former soldier who tried to save PC Keith Palmer’s life in the Westminster terror attack.
To cops everywhere, whose diligence thwarts attacks and who do their best for the public in these difficult times.
NAUGHTY LIST Alexa
Turn down the music, alexa. Where is the nearest butcher, alexa? and why are you so sinister and annoying?
amazon’s Echo Dot, the voiceactivated electronic assistant, has been the present this Christmas — but I can’t stand them.
My sister has one. It’s terrifying. as I said to my sis, there is already a velvety-voiced, smug know-all with an answer to everything in our family. Me.
a friend tried to buy one this week but they are out of stock from here to the north Pole, which is utterly villainous. Even on amazon you can’t get one until January.
alexa, why are you so useless? Oh. This just in. apparently a shop in Oban still has a few in stock. Bring your raincoat.
Payday lenders
PEOPLE get themselves into terrible trouble with them and they cause such misery in society. a 21-year-old student hanged himself because he was unable to pay the 1,200 per cent interest. There is a demand for the services of these sharks, but that doesn’t make it right.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones
WELL, I love them really but they are part of a growing oldster problem. Michael has said that his new grandchild (who is only weeks old) will call him Bubba, while Catherine will be known as ZEZE.
Come again? Far too many vain grandparents now don’t want to be called ‘granny’ or ‘grandpa’, because they think it is too ageing. a friend of mine insists on being called ‘Moo’ by her grandchildren. I know. Silly.
Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow’s mother, the american actress Blythe Danner, wanted to be called Woof, but apple and Moses call her LaLo instead.
Wayne Rooney
HE PROMISED to give up drinking if his wife Coleen gives up her sunshine holidays. Do you see what he did there?
naughty Wayne seemed to be suggesting it was her fault that he hooked up with another girl on a lads’ night out when she was on holiday this year.
It was Coleen’s fault that he drove the woman home while drunk. and it was Coleen’s fault that he got caught, humiliated and found out all over again.
he blames the booze, blames his wife and blames anyone but himself. Wayne, this is your last chance. You’ve got to grow up before it’s too late.
Brian Cullinan of PricewaterhouseCoopers
HE WAS the dolt who was so busy taking selfies backstage, he bungled the Best Film envelope at the Oscars.
actress Emma Stone said it was ‘one of the most horrible moments’, while pompous bore Warren Beatty sniffed: ‘I feel it would be appropriate for the president of the academy to publicly clarify what happened as soon as possible.’
Please! The Oscars envelope fiasco wasn’t a tragedy or an international crisis. It was just a slip-up — and it gave us all one of the biggest laughs of the year.
Katy Perry
BECAUSE she epitomises the worst kind of pampered, Trumphating celebrity, high on their own daring activism.
During the u.S. election, Katy campaigned for hillary Clinton. now she wants her music to be known as ‘purposeful pop’ and her fans to be politically aware. Yet her official website is stuffed with overpriced items to tempt her young girl fans — £34 T-shirts, £71 jackets and the like.
If Katy really wants to empower young women, she should encourage them to stop buying this rubbish and spend the money on improving books instead.
Kenneth Branagh’s moustache of the year
THE actor lurked behind a vast expanse of facial hair to play Poirot in the new film adaptation of Murder On The Orient Express. have you seen that thing? It looks more like a couple of ferrets kissing than a moustache. It deserves an Oscar of its own.
Deep-fried Brussels sprouts
THEY had to happen. a Perthshire chip shop has tried to make the unavoidable festive vegetable more appealing by battering and then deep-frying them.
The Dunkeld Fish Bar say they’re going down a treat — even if they come back up again five minutes later. ‘I think they might surprise some people,’ said shop manager Barry Morrison.
Too right! They first made them as ‘a treat’ for hard-working medics in the local surgery. now everyone in Dunkeld wants them, which will probably rip a new hole in the ozone layer by april.
This is not going to end well.
Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein
CELEBRITIES who simply cannot be ordinary drive me mad — especially when they have been badly behaved, then trumpet that a few spurious visits to rehab have made them whole again.
Brad for drinking, the other two for sex addiction — which doesn’t even exist.
now Brad is an official Sad Dad who has taken up sculpture and spends ‘up to 17 hours a day’ trying to find ‘a moment of bliss with the clay’ while listening to ballads.
Meanwhile, harvey has taken up knitting and Kevin has adopted a cat and now loves baking.