Santa was a fright before Christmas

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, The only things stirring were the cat and a mouse. Then up on the roof came a loud hefty thump, The cat gave a yelp and the mouse gave a jump. Then in through the hall came old Santa in person, But he looked rather odd, so I wasn’t too certain. Instead of a suit made of white fur and red, He looked like a rainbow from toe up to head. His boots were bright yellow and polished up bright If I’d switched off the lamp you’d have plenty of light. Each trouser leg different, one was a nice green, The other was orange, somewhat like a Heinz bean. His jacket was all colours, as if Santa’s valet, Had used it to wipe up a full painter’s palette. His red and white hat, the badge of his trade, Looked like pink and black dye had been thoroughly sprayed. He explained, ‘It’s that new kind of felt-tip pen maker, The chap who sold it was a charming old faker. ‘When we put in the ink, it broke under the strain. And the colours came down like a shower of rain. ‘If you happen to think that I’m a right mess, The reindeer are patterned like a polka dot dress.’ I couldn’t leave Santa in such a poor state, The kids would be frightened, so they had to wait, I scrubbed him with Persil with vigour and Vim, With Flash, Fairy, Ariel, I near poisoned him. I tried all the cleaners I had in the cupboard, And when all those failed, some three-day-old custard. But finally turpentine, with a good slug of gin. Really cleaned up old Santa, and the reindeer’s odd skin. ‘You must have a reward,’ said the grateful old chap. ‘If my reindeer had hands, they’d all give you a clap. ‘So say what you’d like, as a gift to say thanks, But I’m a bit short of cash, as I don’t use banks.’ I thought and I asked for a washing machine, Where the clothes come out folded, ready ironed and clean. In a blink of an eye the machine was plumbed in, ‘It’s a very fair swap,’ he said with a grin. ‘The next time my felt-tip thingamajig goes awry, I know where to come for a quick wash and dry.’ But I laughed as he went on his gift-giving way, In his kaleidoscopic, multi-hued sleigh.