Is this the moment self help books lost the plot?
Eat your greens. Have a bath. Don’t forget to breathe — blindingly obvious ‘self-care’ advice is publishing’s latest trend. So, asks JAN MOIR ...
The terrible thing about the wacky world of wellness is that sooner or later, even the most cynical among us start to believe. There is something about the cockamamie optimism and urgent promises of a better you that is so completely beguiling that we are wrapping ourselves in seaweed, milking bees for their venom and putting stone eggs in our vaginas before you can say ‘do I look like Gwyneth yet?’.
Show us a bottle of coconut water, some chicory root probiotic or a Frenchwoman’s diet tips and we are undone, all too ready to believe that the secret to inner happiness and an apple-sized bottom is ours if only we chant this mantra, drink this ginger tea, believe in the latest tranche of pseudoscientific quackery.
Until now, I am afraid. Until the nonsense that is ‘self-care’ became the latest and craziest fad to hit the mind, body and spirit industry.
Self-care is sailing into the new year on a natural high, trailing ethically sourced rose petals and good vibes in its wake.
What exactly is self-care? It is everything and it is nothing, a gossamer catch-all for every wellness demi-trend and crank craze to gain traction over the past decade or so.
At first glance, it looks like an indulgent racket for the self-obsessed to self-diagnose as victims of something, then console themselves with a spa break, a cashmere shrug, a pat on the back, a nap, a spritz of lavender, an inspiring poem, an oily bath and a bowl of quinoa ’n’ kale.
At second glance, it still looks like that, only with added instructions to be kind to yourself at all times, silence your inner critic and take time out to unpack the Yours Truly sun lounger and bask on the Beach of Me at every opportunity.
Self-care, say the gurus, means finding windows in your exhausting schedule to focus on yourself, check in on your own feelings and never feel bad or selfish about giving yourself a mood-boosting pick-me-up. It is nourishment versus punishment; it is all organic carrot and no stick.
You can see where this is heading. Self-care, whose practitioners describe themselves as ‘human potential activists’ and worse, is the snowflake generation’s idea of self-help. It swaps discipline and austerity for babykins treats and comforts, while behaviours are never criticised or censured. Authentic self-care practice, says one devotee, is the secret to the life you have always wanted (emphasis on the want).
Indeed, the focus is on what you want rather than what you need, with self-carers encouraged to become hyper-aware of how they are feeling every second of the day, so they can make decisions based on those feelings.
Oh dear. Just what the world doesn’t need — a fresh generation of obsessives gazing deep into their navels as they take selfies of their souls.
This approach to wellness advocates complicated daily sustenance to minimise everything from fatigue, depression, anxiety and the general glooms to split ends and spots.
Young women — the main targets — are encouraged to ‘brain dump’ their worries and snuggle with a hot water bottle instead. Maybe bake a cake! Free up your headspace. Start a scrapbook. De-clutter. Meditate. Give yourself a knee hug while you focus on the silver lining and plan your next facial.
There is nothing wrong with positive thinking or cheerful extravagance at the end of a long day. But self-care seems designed to inspire the overworked and the overburdened to believe there is something actually wrong with them, that they need to retreat and convalesce from life, and must be fixed when they are not broken in the first place.
Mental health issues feature prominently in all the new selfcare books. Commendable, of course, because many young people do struggle with serious issues. Yet one does worry that the merely down-in-the-dumps are being encouraged to think of themselves as sufferers in need of clinical care, instead of just as humans rolling with the punches of life.
People are often more capable than they think. My mantra would be: toughen up, kids. Don’t get too comfy in that quilt of self-concern.
JUST google ‘Instagram selfcare Sunday’. Part of the self-care revolution is found here, in this cosy corner of cyberspace where selfcarers show off the nurturing Sabbath rituals that prepare them for the terrible onslaught of the week ahead.
A rifle through the uploaded snaps reveals smirky women in face packs, somehow managing to look smug through the gunk. There are sentient adults doodling over unicorns in colouring-in books; a woman cuddling her kitten; complicated manicures; candlelit yoga; freshly drawn flower-strewn baths; cups of peppermint tea and endless, endless home spa action.
Right now, as the old year folds into the new, we are at peak selfcare. New self-care books are being published this week, to join the self-care titles already at the top of the bestseller lists. Self-care gurus have emerged from the self-care swamp to instruct self-care devotees on the pitfalls of the road ahead.
I worry that it is infantilising, that it is too inward-looking and that young women will be so busy worrying about their physical, emotional, psychological and social needs that they will forget to live their lives.
What is self-care? At its most basic it is the everyday human maintenance that keeps us just this side of living in a cave. Brushing your teeth, eating your food, crossing the road when Tufty says quick march. Yet now it has been turned into a mission to demand personal happiness for millions, as if that were a right, or something that can be ordered, along with a wheat-free pizza or a salt scrub.
It is not all bad. There is much to laud in the kind of self-care that encourages the meek to say no and to put their own hopes and dreams above the expectations of others, or to gently persuade the unhealthy to make better choices.
And one thing all the authors of these books agree on is that everyone has to spend less time on their phones, on social media and the internet. engage with humanity instead, people.
however, self-care’s modish focus is on self-love, self-compassion and self-regard. Is that really
what the world needs more of now? And who are the experts inflicting this upon us?
THE DINKY ONE
Mel Nooks is apparently one of the Uk’s leading health coaches and self-care experts. Here, in this pocket-sized book, she sets out her vision for a world in which people embrace their uniqueness, nourish their bodies and thrive. Fine, Mel, but how? How? We have to embrace life, use our good sheets, buy matching clothes hangers, refuse to settle for second best, develop a ‘love language’ with our partner (eek!), start our day with a smile, keep a thought log and practice mindfulness.
There are worksheets and exercises to download, while selfcarers are encouraged to live in the skin and the life they are in. To know they are important and to silence their inner critic.
SHE SAYS: ‘We punish ourselves more frequently than we realise. Instead, allow people to love you because you love yourself.’
JAN SAYS: It is a bible, but for what purpose? Mel’s main message is to slow down, but that’s just not possible for many women.
THE POSH ONE
JUlIe is an American-born yoga and nutrition teacher, a mother of four children, and the future Countess of sandwich. super fit and healthy, she is a regular on the ladies of london reality TV show.
self-care cred? she was coping just fine until her husband, Viscount Hinchingbrooke, became ill in 2009, laid low by a dependence on prescription drugs. Julie, 43, became exhausted after ‘giving my love and energy to everyone else but me’ until ‘I didn’t know who I was any more’.
Her take on self-care is ‘doing things that make us feel good about ourselves’. Damn right, and most of us would put marrying an earl near the top of that list.
she believes in exercise, healthy eating, spending time alone with your thoughts, but also somehow still having ‘meaningful interactions with friends and family’.
Her book is a one-year commitment to self-care, split into 12 monthly chapters. Notice of intent is given by a drawing of an avocado on page 17, while readers are asked to create a vision board that encompasses their passion.
SHE SAYS: ‘self-love is the kale of the self-care world. loving yourself means having compassion for yourself. Get into the habit of loving yourself and all you do.’
JAN SAYS: straightforward, pleasant, if a bit simplistic. let go. embrace change. Have a digital detox. some good advice about coping with low self-esteem, but good fairy Julie believes that ‘only unhappy people criticise’.
THE EXHAUSTING ONE
CHAPTeR headings include What To Do When Your self Care Mojo Disappears and Who Am I To Write This Book.
Well, quite. Cornwall-based Jayne is the founder of Blurt, a social enterprise dedicated to those suffering from depression. Good for her. she has a history of depression herself but after 15 years of therapy, she had a moment of self-care clarity after a four-day hike to Machu Picchu.
‘I decided to start living my life rather than existing,’ she writes. ‘It is no wonder that so many of us are burnt out, worn out, exhausted and confused.’
That is certainly how one feels at the end of this book. Jayne’s writing style is gregarious and demotic; reading her is like being trapped at a party by a babbler in a purple kaftan.
‘We treat others like VIPs and ourselves like poo,’ she insists.
Readers are quickly encouraged to write down ten interesting facts about themselves, draw the tools in ‘your self-care kit’ and fill in numerous questionnaires. Jayne believes that ‘the school of You is a place we never graduate from’ and that we must ‘dig deep to find the diamonds of strength within’.
Multi-tasking is out, baking and relaxing are in, as is building up ‘micro-pockets of time to check in with yourself’.
SHE SAYS: ‘To put the self into selfcare we need to design a new mixtape, dance to a new tune, adopt the teachings of our ol’ friend socrates and get to “know thyself”.’
JAN SAYS: It’s one of those books you think is aimed at troubled pre-teens, only to realise it’s for grown women. exhausting bombast, but it might help depressed youngsters keen for an interactive experience.
THE SENSIBLE ONE
sUzY is a certified psychologist and a mother of two. It was her experience of motherhood combined with the terminal illness of her father that sparked her passion for self-care. Pregnant with her first child when her father became ill, her life became a frazzled, emotional shuttle from hospital to care home to delivery room.
Unusually for a self-care author, she is not someone revelling in her own wispy neurosis, merely a woman swamped by life and circumstances who found a way of coping. stress, change, death and loss — she deals with all of it in a matter-of-fact way.
Her book features a ‘head, heart and body self-care toolkit’. she has also created a ‘vitality wheel’ where readers can make deposits in their energy bank.
There is also a complex pie chart which highlights different values of nourishment, including sleep and coping skills. each also includes yoga ‘power poses’.
SHE SAYS: ‘self-care isn’t selfish, give yourself permission to take time out for you.’
JAN SAYS: of all these books, suzy’s was the most inspiring. I could relate to her as a woman who was running on empty, with the demands of family pushing her to the limit.
THE ROCK ’N’ ROLL ONE
NADIA is kate Moss’s yoga teacher, while her sister katia is a celebrity health food ‘pioneer’. That is presumably why their book comes pre-larded with A-list recommendations.
‘I want to give this book to everyone I know!’ says Mossy on the cover, while Reese Witherspoon deems it ‘a manual for everyone about real health from the inside out’ and sienna Miller calls it ‘sane, smart and deeply wise’.
Is it really? Nadia and katia believe we must nourish, nurture, resource, recharge and refuel, while simultaneously understanding that love and kindness are the essence of self-care.
They say the best way to nail what self-care means is knowing the difference between what you need and what you want, while readers are encouraged to keep a gratitude journal. (Thank you lord for my cheekbones, signed k. Moss.) Good things are walking in nature and swimming in the sea. Bad things are box sets, eating junk food and working too much.
THEY SAY: ‘Take naps and rest when you need it. leaning self-care is like building your own lifeboat, plank by plank.’
JAN SAYS: It’s just stuff your mum told you years ago.