My lover is torn between her kids and me
DEAR BEL AFTER 25 years of marriage (and two daughters, aged 24 and 22) I thought I was bi-sexual, then later realised I was gay and met someone on a bisexual support forum. She and I both separated from our husbands and had the most incredible, long-distance relationship.
I came out to my daughters, parents, family and friends. They were mostly all very supportive. My husband was also understanding — for which I’m eternally grateful.
Two years ago, I left my marital home and my girlfriend and I saw each other weekly in my rented flat. Last New Year, we spent five days together — sharing so much love I knew we had to close the geographical gap between us.
So I managed to get a full-time position in her town and moved to a rented place there last March. We both knew it wasn’t right for us to live together, as she has two teenage children at home.
Now I’m at the lowest point. Her son, 13, struggled with me ‘landing’ in his life and his parents separating. Her ex has not made life easy and it has affected her children.
She felt more and more anxious, torn between them and me. Her daughter, 17, was jealous of me, joined our rows and was happy to see our relationship deteriorate.
In the autumn, my girlfriend and I booked a precious holiday, but she
The end of any love affair is acutely painful, this one is a tad more complex, perhaps.
I say that because if we remove the fact that you’ve been in a same-sex relationship, then the problems with your girlfriend’s teenage children are not very different than any experienced when a marriage ends because of an affair.
had she left her husband for another man, he would have been furious (perhaps even more so) and the teenagers would have set their cancelled two weeks before. Leaving her kids was too stressful and her daughter couldn’t face being with her dad for a week. I was devastated.
In the end, she came for a few days, during which we decided to end the relationship. It was too difficult for her to manage.
Since then we’ve met up a few times. The love we share is such a pull, but I’m still living in an empty flat and often feel more alone than when we were living apart long-distance. I’m so sad. Her kids are pleased and her family also think she should move on.
But two days ago she asked to come and see me. We spent a secret night, free of them all and their judgments.
The love we share is incredible — but life isn’t about just us, is it? Her family needs her... so just how do we move forward? Is there any hope? We both feel stuck. The pain of being apart is almost unbearable, yet the stress of trying to be together is enormous.
At New Year I travelled home. My family knew little of these struggles, as I don’t want them worrying. I’m not ready to return with no job and no relationship — and they understand. I’m lucky. But I look back to this time last year with a sadness I can’t ease and don’t know what to do in future. SAMANTHA faces against the unwelcome intruder. In that sense, their behaviour is normal. I find it hard to apportion any blame to a 17 and 13-year-old who have just seen their home life break up.
It’s admirable that you can write: ‘But life isn’t just about us, is it?’ I had to cut your long letter down by more than two thirds, yet that simple statement remains a pure distillation of the truth.
You and she were brave to try to give everything up for the sake of the love your discovered, but you have found that nothing in this life can be that easy — not when there are other
beloved people involved. I suspect your own daughters found it difficult when you came out, yet they are older, with their own lives — and clearly a have greater, more generous understanding of sexuality than many people. You’ve been lucky with your own family and friends.
Yet I feel so sorry for your girlfriend, caught as she is between two different sorts of love. She will not be the first individual to discover that the thrill of sexual passion and shared intimacy fades in comparison with the searingly painful demands of family.
And she will not be the last woman or man who weighs up the opposing loves and chooses the role of a parent over the intoxication of being a lover.
relatively speaking, your relationship isn’t that old. You have been living in the same town for only ten months.
It could well be that if you remain strong, work hard, make your flat pleasant and show patience, in time your girlfriend will conclude that she can make this work after all — especially as her children become older.
It won’t ever be easy, but in your place I think I might cling to that hope. But if you can’t, then in your position you might consider moving back to be near your own loving family right away, and start again.