My selfish ex and tactless son are making my life a complete misery

DEAR BEL,

FIVE years ago, my partner walked out on me and got a flat. We’d had our share of problems and my mum had dementia, so it put a huge strain on us.

He went through depression and mid-life crisis at 50 and then left. I was bereft, as I’d put him on a pedestal. We split custody of our son and life continued.

But I am constantly being made to feel like I am a bad person. For example, our son is staying at his dad’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I have never felt comfortable with this, as he’s in a different bed every night.

However, he is happy and so is his dad — so it hasn’t changed. His dad told him he’d pick him up at 4pm, but turned up at 2.30pm saying he was bored sitting at home. This happens all the time.

I told him it makes me uncomfortable him turning up unannounced. When he comes to my house, he follows me around to make conversation and it stresses me out. I try negotiating to avoid this situation, but then he will turn up regardless. Our son prefers to be picked up. I explain I don’t like to have to entertain his dad every other day and he says he will come downstairs immediately. This happens rarely, as he ends up staying on his online game, leaving his dad sitting in the living room, making me uncomfortable in my own house.

The thing is I have to keep a happy balance, as he agreed to let me have more equity in the house we co-own, as I’ve paid the mortgage solely for five years from the day he left and got into debt because of this, but that’s another story.

However, when I am nice to him, he starts to think he has a chance with me again. He asked me a couple of times would I consider taking him back, but he killed off my feelings when he left me and I told him this straight.

Just now, I told him he needs to get himself a life and he stormed out — and I feel wretched. I don’t like to think I am a bad person, but this situation is getting me down and I can’t see a solution.

NICOLA

THERE are many times in life when there seems no solution possible; in fact, I am facing one (or is it two?) myself at the moment.

You lie awake at 4am revolving the issue round and round in your head, don’t you? And then it gets progressively worse. I know there will be so many people reading this in the same situation — and so when I tell you ‘there is a solution to anything’, I am (in a way) trying to counsel myself!

One key piece of information missing from your email is how old your son is. Because of your husband’s age, I’m imagining him to be in his mid-teens and still at