Were my Christmas gifts stingy?

DEAR BEL,

THIS problem has stumped me. I took great pleasure in buying Christmas presents for my friend, her husband and two boys.

Without going into details, I spent more than £120 on them all, including £60 on my friend. To cut a long story short, I expected a thank you text on a Christmas Day. None came, but I wasn’t unduly worried because I was seeing her on Boxing Day.

When we met, she just said thank you for the presents, but didn’t seem pleased. After a few drinks, she suddenly announced to me that I didn’t spend enough on the presents!

I am so shocked and sad and don’t know what to do. I texted her the next day to ask if she remembered saying it; she said yes, but it wasn’t what she meant and I shouldn’t take it personally. A few people heard her say it — her husband included. He made her get her coat and leave straight away.

I haven’t seen her since and don’t know what to say about it or what to do the next time birthday and Christmas comes round.

I would appreciate your advice on this because I don’t want to lose a friend and would hate her to think I am tight with money, but believe I spent enough.

JENNY

Oh dear, we have just endured Black Monday — supposedly the most depressing day of the year — and most of us are counting the cost of food and drink over the Christmas period, never mind presents. This is certainly true in our household!

January is cold and gloomy anyway, so the financial reckonings usually make it blacker than ever.

But I have to say that within relationships with friends and family I think there should never, ever be any sort of ‘reckoning’.

It seems to me to be bizarre, not to say outrageous, that a friend could even think, let alone say, that you had not spent enough money on her and her family at Christmas.

Yet the painful truth is — people are like that. I know somebody who seems always to be adding up the cost of money spent and who becomes cross if this present or that one is cheaper than would have been expected… If a garment is 50 per cent viscose rather than 100 per cent cashmere, for example.

The fact that somebody chose it, wrapped it and wrote the label is less important than what it may or may not have cost. First World problems, eh?

I can only suggest that people who count the cost like that must be rather unhappy. There’s no joy in doing mental arithmetic, but plenty of happiness in simply saying thank you.

So as you can see, I have no sympathy for your friend. But, on the other hand, you are doing sums yourself and ‘expected’ a thank-you text on Christmas day, and I’m wondering if something you said (or asked) prompted her outburst.

I feel sympathetic to you, but the truth is, you are both attaching too much importance to the material objects. You haven’t said whether she gave you and your family presents and what you thought of them …

Of course, you don’t want to lose your friend over this ridiculous storm in a teacup. It goes without saying that you need to talk frankly to her, tell her how you are feeling and try to find a way to progress. Can you do that?

If you feel you can’t, I’m afraid it doesn’t say much for this friendship.

I suggest the way forward would be to say that since we all have homes crammed with far too much ‘stuff’, that in the future you will only give things which can be consumed, such as chocolates or cheese or a bottle of prosecco.

do you have to give gifts to her husband and sons? how do you know what they like/ want/need? If a friendship seems to rest on how much money is spent, then I fear the friendship itself is … spent.