Oh what a love-in... even Cilla would’ve raised her eyebrows

HAD the late Cilla Black been watching back in her Blind Date days, she would have turned to the audience after yesterday’s theatrics between Theresa May and Donald Trump and raised her eyebrows in an amiably filthy way. ‘Theresa! Donald! “Special relationship”? Well!’

Downing Street aides will have been chuffed by the front-of-house love-in after the Prime Minister and President had private talks at the Davos economic forum. Mrs May had arrived in the Swiss Alps on Wednesday and became one of several people hoping for an audience with the leader of the free world. She was rewarded better than she could have dared hope.

New hairdo. New snow boots and high-collared coat. When she did outside TV interviews earlier it had all been decidedly Where Eagles Dare.

For days, received wisdom had it that Mr Trump would ‘snub’ Mrs May. After the silly things said about him by pro-Brussels MPs and Speaker Bercow, who could have blamed him? But yesterday he laid on the compliments with a snowplough. Maybe reports of his displeasure were wrong. Maybe his aides asked him to regain the diplomatic ground. Or maybe Mr Trump has realised that the best way to irk global liberals might be to talk about greater trade with a newly independent Britain.

The stage management for yesterday’s event was stiff. The two of them were sitting in deep armchairs, separated by a flower arrangement as big as a bush. Although Mr Trump sat forward on his hams, Mrs May parked her bottom towards the back of her deep chair, like an old lady driving a Morris Minor.

She looked a bit stuck in the chair when the Trumpster shot out his right paw and invited her to give it a shake. Crunch. She winced slightly after his all-American handshake. He did most of the talking. Possibly he always does. ‘It’s an honour to be with Prime Minister May today,’ he drawled. ‘We have a really great relationship although some people don’t necessarily believe that. I can tell you it’s true.’ Mrs May grinned.

Mr Trump was holding his hands in a slightly odd pose over his groin. ‘I think the feeling is mutual from the standpoint of liking each other a lot,’ he continued. He was now jiggling his right heel up and down. More bromide in that soldier’s tea, Corporal. The President said it was a ‘false rumour’ that he and she had had a tiff. He ‘loved’ Britain. It was ‘truly great’ and our military ties, in particular, were strong. We later learned that he and Mrs May had discussed Iran in their bilateral talks. Perhaps there is some discreet military co-operation on that.

‘We’re joined at the hip when it comes to the military,’ he said. ‘We have the same ideas, same ideals.’

And now he turned directly to Mrs May and told her that ‘there’s nothing that will happen to you that we won’t be there to fight for you, you know that’. I do love you, doll. Honest. That was just a fling I was having with that Emmanuel Macron.

Mrs May coughed lightly and said the special relationship would continue thanks – nudge – to trade links. Trade? Oh yes. Mr Trump took the hint and started talking at length about how there would be an explosion of commercial activity between Britain and America. ‘Trade!’ he cried.

‘Trade is going to increase many times… trade concepts and discussions and discussions... tremendous increases in terms of jobs.’ He was unstoppable on the matter. Trade, trade, trade.

Much more of that and he would have done terrible damage to our exports by pushing the pound higher. Happily the brief event was coming to an end.

Reporters in the small room started shouting questions. Their squawking sounded positively oriental. Mr Trump narrowed his eyes in discomfort. The news hounds were asking when he would make a state visit here. ‘We’ll talk about that,’ he replied.

‘We’ll talk about that,’ affirmed Mrs May.