Supermarket Sweep — the Brexit special
WELCOME to the only supermarket in the world that wants you to leave emptyhanded. That’s if they ever let you leave at all.
They’ll only agree to sell you something if the price is right. And that means high!
In our Brussels bargain basement, everything is up for grabs — but nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.
So fill your trolleys with as much as you can, because Brexit has never been so much fun. And, remember, there are grand prizes galore in store when you play Supermarket Sweep!
Let’s meet our three teams. Put your hands together for Theresa and David, from Westminster. (Polite applause.) Boris and Jacob, from Eton. (Hurrah!) And Anna and Chuka, from Planet Remain. (Booooooo!!) Now then, Theresa, what are you hoping to leave here with today?
Well, Dale, as I’ve said all along, Brexit means Brexit. So I’m hoping to leave with as much as possible, even if that takes another two and a half years.
You haven’t got two and a half years, ducky, you’ve got a maximum of one minute to race round our aisles. OK, then. I’d like to get a nice packet of Hobnobs for Philip’s tea.
Good luck with that, Theresa. Now then, Boris, what do you and Jacob hope to take home? I don’t know about Hobnobs, Dale, but my policy on cake has
always been pro-having it and pro-eating it. And what about you, Jacob?
I am confident that we shall leave with everything we want. After all, the supermarket needs our money. We buy more from them than they do from us.
Thanks, Jacob. Anna, what do you want to take away today?
I don’t want to leave at all. I want to stay in the supermarket for ever. In fact I want to go on paying the supermarket £8 billion a year and getting nothing in return.
That’s not something I’ve ever heard from any of our previous contestants. But, then again, this is an extraordinary edition of Supermarket Sweep and we have made some changes to our usual rules.
Theresa, you were handed the bill when you entered the supermarket, not when you leave. You must pay £37billion up-front without knowing what you will be allowed to put in your trolley.
To make things more interesting, all our three teams will set off together. Instead of getting a free run, there’ll be no holds barred. Boris, Jacob, you’ll be familiar with this — it’s a bit like the Eton Wall Game.
Contestants will be allowed to impede their opponents. You’ll not only be racing against the clock, you’ll be fighting each other on the way round.
Today only, Supermarket Sweep is borrowing from It’s A Knockout, or Jeux Sans Frontieres if you’re a Remain supporter. In fact if Anna and Chuka come out on top, there will be no frontieres and no limit on immigration from the EU.
Boris and Jacob, if you win, you’ll receive an extra £350 million a week to spend on the NHS. Theresa and David will be happy just to get to the end of the game and grateful for anything they manage to pick up.
So, on your marks, get set . . . let’s go wild in the aisles!
Theresa and David have set off at a leisurely pace and, oops, they’ve already fallen at the Kerrygold cabinet, which we call the Irish border.
And there goes Boris at a furious lick, heading for the fish counter, hoping to scoop up the entire stock of North Sea cod before it can be transported to Spain in a boat captained by Bob Geldof.
Oh, no! He’s discovered that the fish counter is empty, having already been sold out by Theresa in exchange for being allowed to carry on shopping. Wait, what’s this? Jacob has sent his nanny round the supermarket in his place. And she’s proving a formidable competitor, stripping the shelves of Gentleman’s Relish and loading everything into a box marked ‘British Sovereignty’.
Anna has headed straight for wines and spirits, which we have had to hastily restock following last week’s UKIP special with Nigel Farage. She’s loaded up with Chardonnay and after downing a couple of bottles in ten seconds, she’s got her sights on Boris, as he rushes towards the exit.
But just as Boris reaches for the keys to No 10, Anna flattens him with an impressive rugby tackle.
Theresa and David pick themselves up, but they’re floored again after being hit over the head with a bottle of HP Sauce in the House of Lords aisle.
This is getting messy. Boris is trying to regain control, not just of our borders and laws, but of his trousers, which Anna has pulled down round his ankles.
It’s a bloodbath out there. Chuka is sneaking towards the shelf marked ‘Second Referendum’. But here comes Jacob’s nanny, bringing him down Mary Poppinsstyle with a perfectly executed swing of her umbrella.
ANNA’S on her third bottle of Chardonnay, crawling towards the checkout, determined to padlock the doors and prevent anyone leaving.
David has just thrown up in a bucket, but here comes Theresa again. She’s slipped in a puddle of Russian ricin, which was spilled in the Salisbury aisle, but she keeps plodding away.
Will the Brexit tortoise beat the Remain hare? Will Anna and Chuka get their second referendum? Will Boris and Jacob get their £350 million a week when they finally reach the exit? Or will Theresa and David be forced to stay in the single European supermarket in exchange for a few crumbs of Battenberg cake and 400 grams of Camembert?
Join us after the break for part two of Supermarket Sweep — the show where you can check out any time you like, but you can never Leave!