I’m not invited to the family party

DEAR BEL,

I AM lucky to have a very good relationship with both my daughters-in-law. One is laid-back and easy, the other a bit trickier. She has a big birthday coming up and has long talked about hiring a holiday place for all her family and friends.

I’ve been looking forward to this and asked a couple of times if she’d booked anywhere. My son was a bit cagey when I asked him this week but he often doesn’t know quite what’s going on, so I wasn’t too bothered.

I usually only see this daughter-in-law for a few minutes each week, when I drop my granddaughter back after having her for the day while her mum works.

This weekend, however, my partner and I babysat, so I asked brightly if she had booked a house. Well, she has, but it’s only few places in a big holiday park for her, my son and their daughter, and all her family — parents, sister, sister’s husband and their children. We were not invited.

I made light of it (as my wise partner advised) but I do feel hurt. Her ‘excuse’ was that ‘I didn’t know when your op would be’. I am due for elective surgery which has been delayed but will be within the next four weeks. I had mentioned this to my daughter-in-law.

My question is, should I feel hurt at us not being asked? Shall I say something or shrug it off, grateful in fact to miss a holiday park with hundreds of families and yelling kids, though I would like to share in the birthday celebrations?

ROSEMARY

YOu are certainly not making ‘a fuss about nothing’. In your position I would be rather hurt too, especially as you help with childcare. In your uncut letter you mention how close your daughter-in-law’s mother is to the family and that often she arranges family events on Mother’s Day and bank holidays. You imply that she is pushing you out (perhaps unconsciously) and you may be right.

You mention that your son has noticed this. But in that case, why hasn’t he said or done something?

I have noticed that issues between mothers and daughters-in-law are often made worse by a son’s idleness or cowardice. Is this a male thing, to want an easy life? I suspect so.

All it would take is for these men to consider their own mothers and a lot of problems could be avoided.

But here we are — and for me, the key question is: are your other son and his wife invited to this gathering of the clan? You don’t mention them, which leads me to believe they are not. That in turn would suggest your daughter-inlaw is very much thinking of the celebration as one for her own blood family. Personally, I think that’s a pity, but I can see the impulse behind it.

If your other son and his wife are indeed invited, then I think you have more reason to be hurt. And if that is the case, then why can’t your second son have a quiet word with his brother? It would be far better coming from him than from you.

I suspect they are not invited, which leads me to my suggestion. Don’t be upset any more; you get on fine with this daughter-in-law and that boat must not be rocked.

So I suggest you ask her what lovely special gift she would like for her birthday. Then say that because of your operation you’re very much looking forward to celebrating her birthday later, with your son’s half of the family — and wouldn’t it be lovely to have a slap-up lunch or dinner when you are back on your feet?

The holiday park does sound a bit of a nightmare, so I’d make a better plan, enlisting both your sons to help choose a good restaurant. Your partner is indeed wise to suggest a laid-back approach for your own wellbeing.