Holyrood sketch
Nicola just can’t win, faced by Leonard and his lucky tie
CHRISTINE Grahame doesn’t stand, she ascends. The veteran Nationalist is far from grand but comports herself with a headmistressly air that forewarns ministers not to test her patience.
Grahame has no time for your nonsense and, as deputy presiding officer, dispenses with the easygoing style of Ken Macintosh in favour of the martinet.
Late-coming frontbenchers are scolded, chatterbox MSPs shushed, and long-winded members abruptly sat down with a weary sigh.
Yesterday, she was back on the backbenches, smartly turned out in a floral blazer offset by a coral blossom brooch that could have doubled as a satellite dish.
She was broadcasting her displeasure with RBS chief executive Ross McEwan, who brushed off criticism of branch closures by telling customers to pop down their local Post Office instead.
Headmistress Grahame was not impressed with his ‘insulting, ill-informed’ suggestion. McEwan hadn’t just let her down, he’d let the school down.
Nicola Sturgeon looked mildly terrified, as though she too would be kept behind after class. Did the First Minister agree that the recalcitrant banker ought to ‘come round Midlothian South, Tweeddale and Lauderdale to chat with my constituents to see what they think of his closures and his grand solution’?
‘I’m sure most people would be delighted to visit Christine Grahame’s beautiful constituency,’ Sturgeon replied, hurriedly. McEwan would be well advised to accept the invitation. It’s either that or a thousand lines.
It was a bumper First Minis- ter’s Questions for backbenchers. Ayrshire Tory John Scott harrumphed about wild youngsters who besieged Troon beach and caused ‘alcohol-related disturbances’.
Across the chamber heads dipped, perhaps guiltily recalling their own ill-behaved youth.
Alex Neil was cheered to his feet by all; he is known as a maverick who is as likely to aim a withering putdown at his own side as at his opponents.
The MSP for Airdrie and Shotts has a verbal tic, beginning sentences with an enthusiastic ‘eeeeeehhh’.
It’s meant to give him time to think on this feet but sounds like The Fonz gave up tinkering with motorbikes after Happy Days to pursue a career in Lanarkshire politics.
‘Eeeeeehhh,’ he revved but, alack, mischief was not on his mind and he made a worthy enquiry about drug availability.
Instead, the fun was provided by Jackie Baillie, an accomplished potstirrer who loves riling the Nationalists while looking the picture of reasonableness. Now that the FM’s Growth Commission report had foretold milk and honey the other side of independence, when was she planning to call for a referendum?
STURGEON went the snotty route: ‘My goodness, the opposition parties just hate talking about independence, don’t they?’ With no little pique in her voice, she stated that ‘when we have greater clarity on the Brexit outcome, I will set out my views on the best way forward for Scotland’.
The SNP has advanced various definitions of ‘the sovereign will of the Scottish people’ but this one is the most honest: They’ll want whatever Nicola tells them they want.
Richard Leonard bossed proceedings, revealing the number of patients waiting longer than they should for tests had shot up 171 per cent under Nicola Sturgeon.
The First Minister got out the excuse hose and tried to drown the facts but to no avail.
Leonard is enjoying a good run and I think I know his secret. He keeps wearing the same tie, a socialist cerise number, and must be blessed with Lefty luck. He’s worn it four weeks on the Trot.