My wife’s left me for no reason at all

DEAR BEL, I WAS happily married for nearly 18 years and we had been together for 26 years. Then last summer my wife told me she was leaving. We have two children, young teenagers who now spend half the week going between us.

My wife has never talked to me about the reasons why and it’s difficult to comprehend some days, as we didn’t fight or have any real arguments.

She did mention she had been to counselling regarding her father’s death a few years ago — which I was unaware of.

When I asked her why they didn’t ask her to talk to her husband about her issue(s) she said they did say to, but she decided not to! I feel like the past year has gone in a blur, but finally feel closer to my ‘normal’ past self, albeit different in a number of ways.

Do I try again to get her to talk? I’ve written to her a couple of times and arranged to meet, but she either doesn’t turn up or can only talk for five minutes. Or do I look elsewhere for someone to share my life with? I’m now 48 and she is 44. We do stay in text contact regarding our children and that isn’t usually a problem. I need advice. RICHARD

There is an oddly laconic quality to this problem letter that rather disturbs me. It seems strange to me that you can say you were ‘happily married for 18 years’, but have no idea whatsoever why your wife chose to walk out.

In so doing, she inflicted the unpleasant experience of shuttling between two parents on children who are approaching a key time in their schooling. That could not have been a decision taken lightly.

You make no suggestion that she has somebody else, so since you claim you and your wife never quarrelled, I can only imagine she was bottling up a gigantic unhappiness and that one day it all became too much to bear.

Yet you say you find it difficult to ‘comprehend, some days’. In your place, I doubt I could sleep at all until I found out what went on, why I was so deceived about the supposed harmony of this marriage, and what I could do about it.

Many marriages suffer from a failure of communication. Sadly, over the years I’ve read many letters from sad women with husbands impossible to talk to.

Years of experience leave me convinced that women are better at addressing emotional issues and that men tend to turn aside from discussions that may disturb their peace. I don’t blame them for wanting an easy life — were it not for the fact that life is never easy.

Generalisations can be misleading, but I bet many female readers are nodding their heads here. You have to talk things through if you want any relationship to survive.

You ask me an ‘either/or’ question, as if both choices were of equal value. Try to talk to her (again) — or find a new lady?

Is there really a choice? After a total of 26 years together, it is astonishing to me that you are not passionate about trying to discover the reason for your wife’s pain (she couldn’t have walked out were she not hurting), suggesting a couple of sessions of counselling with her, and so on.

You will tell me it’s no good because she clearly doesn’t want to get back together. But have you done enough? I would suggest the tone of vague puzzlement in your email might actually suggest a reason for her departure.

Do you think you ever really knew her? And, if not, why not?

You might decide this is the time to ‘look elsewhere’ — but I warn you that you will only take your relationship problems (and perhaps inadequacy) with you, unless you look within your heart and try to understand your wife.

Don’t you owe that additional effort to your children?