What a crazy pair (no, not the fake twins)

Hmmm. Call me crazy, but sometimes I wonder if Jay-Z and Beyoncé have let fame and fortune go to their respective heads. With a combined net worth of more than a billion dollars, the couple now bestride the world like the emperor and empress of intergalactic showbusiness; weird beings from a starburst far away, who now have only a faint grasp on the habits and ways of the human race.

For their current UK tour, the couple posed for photographs with their new twins, lovingly nestling the babes in their arms (pictured). Only they were fake twins, and not their actual twins, Sir and Rumi. They wanted to be seen as parents for publicity purposes, but didn’t want to expose their own children to the world, so used stunt babies instead? How bizarre.

Be private or don’t be private, that is your choice. But why try for the best of no worlds and make a mockery Yes, I know it’s only June and please don’t shoot the messenger, but Argos have revealed their top toys for Christmas 2018 — aargh! Unicorns are still hugely popular with the grasping little rugrats — will you tell them or shall I? The most popular toys include a ride-on unicorn (£230); a soft toy unicorn (£49.99) and The Poopsie of fans’ interest and affection into the bargain?

In other news, the couple have just renewed their wedding vows. Never mind that the real twins and not the stunt twins actually appeared in these photographs — too confusing.

In celebrity-land, even in the absurd far reaches of Beyoncé-land, renewing one’s wedding vows is almost always a sign that the marriage is in trouble. That’s all I’m singing, as she once said. Unicorn surprise (£49.99), with the surprise being that it, er, dispenses, glitter after you feed it sparkle and glitter bombs for lunch (the clue’s in the title). Do you know, I’m sure ITV’s lovely Holly Willoughby does much the same thing. Only she doesn’t have a horn growing out of her forehead. Yet.