The non-surgical industry pumps out misinformation, using biologically impossible terms such as ‘cellulite-removing’ and ‘fat-melting’ with impunity
cells with heat created through intense soundwaves and cost £1,595 and £1,000 respectively.
The difficulty is no manufacturer (other machines include Vaser Shape and UltraShape) seems to agree on what frequency and intensity works best. and pain levels, which vary from warm to awful, are no indication of efficiency. MY VERDICT: Liposonix was excruciating. a paddle emitting sound waves was passed over my fat pads for 20 minutes, and I felt like I was being stabbed. The treatment left me with black bruises that lasted six weeks and faded to reveal no change in the saddlebag situation whatsoever.
THE FAT FREEZER
aT 42 and with my saddlebags staying put despite peak fitness, coolSculpting seemed too good to resist. Inspired by research from Harvard, cryolipolysis freezes to death small pockets of fat in about half an hour. It smarts for a minute when the vacuum-like mouthpiece
is attached to your fatty bits, but skin soon goes numb.
after defrosting (the procedure takes an hour), treated areas may feel sore for a few days. The body then flushes out the dead cells (only fat is affected) over two to four months. Results are permanent. EXPERT VIEW: ‘coolSculpting by Zeltiq has good safety and efficacy data behind it [other fat-freezing brands don’t], and is my preferred non-surgical fat-reduction option,’ says Dr Dhillon.
MY VERDICT: It works! after twoand-a-half rounds per leg, my saddlebags with cellulite are now flattish thighs with cellulite. But sadly it does nothing for the dreaded dimples.
another problem: the suction cups don’t quite respect the varying shapes of our wobbly bits, often resulting in inelegant ‘bite’ marks on one’s bulges — which can require more sessions.
only 25 pc of fat gets eliminated, so you may want several rounds in the same spot. at £800 per treatment, that adds up. Ten per cent of patients see no results.
THE NO-KNIFE LIPO
nexT on my list was 3D Lipo, but contrary to how it sounds, I didn’t go under the knife. ‘non-surgical’, ‘non-invasive’ or ‘laser’ liposuction are catch-all terms for any bodysculpting and fat ‘melting’ procedures. Most involve neither lasers nor liposuction.
EXPERT VIEW: Dr Dhillon says: ‘“Lipo” misleadingly refers to liposuction, which is a surgical treatment and the only way to permanently remove a lot of fat, while the term “laser” is misused for lots of non-laser devices, such as radiofrequency and ultrasound.
‘The only true “laser lipo” is Vaser Liposuction [from £2,000], which inserts a laser under the skin to destroy fat cells that are then sucked out.
‘SculpSure [from £600], which implodes fat cells with laser heat without breaking the skin, is the only non-surgical laser fat-
reduction option for now (but results are inconsistent).’
MY VERDICT: not all non-invasive fat reduction is nonsense, but triple-check anything aggressively marketed with the words ‘lipo’ or ‘laser’. 3D Lipo (which offers a choice of cryolipolysis, radiofrequency or ultrasound, all, oddly, from the same machine, from £99) and Strawberry Laser (from £50) were some of the most pointless procedures I have ever tried.
THE LEG VIBRATOR
LaST year, I was one of the first to try endospheres Therapy when it arrived here from Italy. Like a robotic deep-tissue massage, it delivers microcompression and vibration through a tool that pummels bulges to ‘break down fat’ and boost skin regeneration. EXPERT VIEW: ‘This technology works on so many levels,’ says UK endospheres Therapy trainer Pietro Simone. ‘It drains lymph, increases oxygen in fat deposits to help their breakdown, boosts Mirror, mirror: Inge checks her rear view
collagen, improves circulation and strengthens muscles. It’s the best body device I’ve used in my 16 years in the industry.’
MY VERDICT: Love it. But it hurts, especially when you have my heavy legs and terrible circulation. However, I didn’t bruise and it made me feel lighter on my feet and de-puffed my legs.
It also ‘sculpts’ your figure: my bottom was half an inch higher and looking a little narrower. That was after the recommended 12 treatments (£1,200; bi-monthly top-ups £120). I can’t say I have less cellulite, though.
THE DRAINING JABS
Fancy having a cocktail of vitamins, nutrients and diuretics injected into your pudgy bits? French people say mesotherapy will return your ‘contours’ to their naturally smooth, refined state.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘The idea is to give the body and skin what’s needed to function optimally, and that’s most efficiently done through local injections,’ says Philippe HamidaPisal, president of the UK Society of Mesotherapy.
To tackle cellulite, you need a personal cocktail based on your level of fat, damaged connective tissue, skin slackness and water retention. Ten sessions are recommended at £2,000, with £200 topups three times a year. MY VERDICT: after six rather freaky treatments (long alcohol rubdowns for all-important hygiene and many, many blooddrawing stabs — in my case, a good 100 all around my thighs and bottom), I don’t really see my lumps and dents melting away.
But surprisingly, my skin is tightening around my muscles. This works as a mild localised slimming treatment, but do check somuk.
co.uk for qualified practitioners.
THE QUICK SNIP
THoSe bottom craters? Thank hardened connective tissues, through which fat pushes up for a tufted-mattress finish.
only cellfina tackles it. a needle with a tiny blade is inserted into the skin and severs the connective bands for each individual dimple, letting puckered skin spring back up. This is a ‘minimally invasive’ surgical treatment, involving local anaesthetic, bruising and compression pants afterwards. EXPERT VIEW: ‘This is very specific to cellulite,’ says PHI clinic’s Mr apul Parikh. ‘Patients and even some clinicians confuse lumpy fat, slack skin and stretch marks with cellulite. Treating those with cellfina can make skin look worse, so don’t consider anyone but a qualified, experienced surgeon.’
MY VERDICT: earlier this year, Parikh took one look at my lumpy rump and said: ‘no.’ My dimples aren’t deep enough, it seems, and ‘people with your skin could scar or discolour. This procedure [from £3,500] is great for the right candidates, but out of every ten, I send away five or six.’
now that is the sort of honesty we need from our body therapists. and the sort of talk we should learn to listen to.
So, after having more than £12,000 worth of treatments over 11 years, I’ve found that only three had a noticeable effect. But there are rumours of coolSculpting launching an anti-cellulite procedure and I’m already putting feelers out.
I’m still hoping to spend at least one summer in bikini bottoms, not shorts, before I retire.