SEX AFTER INFIDELITY REALLY CAN BE BETTER

IT IS possible to trust again — and to have a great sex life together — but you have to be patient.

No matter how many promises your partner makes that they will never stray in the future, the only way to rebuild trust is to prove this by consistently reliable behaviour over time.

Some betrayed partners repress all romantic desires. It may take them months, even a year, before they are physically interested in their partner again.

More commonly, I come across betrayed spouses seeking sex with their adulterous partners immediately, sometimes every day. For some, an outsider’s desire for their spouse can be a turn-on, even as they struggle with betrayal, hurt and shame. But trust me when I tell you that rushing into sex will not save your marriage.

Yes, sex is important, but emotional needs must be addressed first. After infidelity is discovered, I advise a period of abstinence, from a few days to no more than a few months, to create the opportunity for reflection, working on your own needs.

It gives the philanderer a chance to realise the sex drive that led them to cheat does not actually control them and they can live without sex. The cooled-down brain, no longer immersed in longing for a lover, has a chance to refocus on the marriage and how to communicate with their partner.

More importantly, the break gives the couple a chance to fall in love again. I know it sounds corny, but talk, share your most intimate (non-sexual thoughts) with each other.

There are also many ways to communicate love and sensuality outside of intercourse. You and your partner can touch each other, maybe even kiss. In my experience, after the reboot, the sex is likely to be better than ever.