Wonky doors, naked protests and fights — who’d ever go on a plane?
Once you pop, Prime Minister, you can’t stop. ex-PM David cameron was spotted scoffing from a tube of Pringles crisps in an economy airline seat on Flights From Hell: Caught On Camera (ITV).
These compilations of video snippets are very like salty snacks. You know they’re rubbish and will do you no good, but it’s hard to keep from wolfing them down.
We saw a Yorkshire terrier pulling a suitcase on wheels, aircraft weaving and wobbling on to runways against high crosswinds, fire spurting from broken engines and a plane with a gaping hole in its fuselage after the emergency door fell off — none of these clips lasting more than a few seconds.
every now and then, a longer segment was served up to be savoured, such as the wedding of Jurgen and natalie, an Austrian couple who were married at 30,000ft.
natalie wasn’t expecting to get spliced when she boarded the plane, but the bridegroom had smuggled himself on to the flight with a film crew, a white dress and the bride’s mother.
even if she’d hijacked the plane, natalie could hardly have escaped. So she accepted her fate and said; ‘I do.’
‘Mid-air proposals are common,’ said narrator Stephen Mangan, without a hint of a double meaning, ‘but this couple went even further.’
Stephen sounded like he hated himself for commentating on fights between drunken passengers: this is the actor who, only last month, was a high-flying barrister in The Split, his every utterance a quip marinaded in irony.
now he was telling us about a doorman from Darlington called Simon, who got into a bust-up in the aisle of an Airbus while queuing for the loo.
Wisely, Stephen steered clear of irony. He’d only sound like a snob.
Like a meal of airline Pringles, this sort of show is completely forgettable. That’s a good thing, or we’d never have the courage to go on holiday again.
The images of planes hit by thunderbolts were terrifying, but not nearly as scary as the 200-yard queue for check-in, or the huddle of exhausted travellers slumped across terminal stairs after a 17-hour delay.
equally worrying was the naked protest at security by a man who objected to removing his belt for the metal detector, and so removed everything else.
But most nerve-racking of all was an airport attendant’s tale of seeing actor John Thaw, he of Inspector Morse and The Sweeney, treating a captive audience of stranded passengers to an endless Shakespeare recital. That really ought to be illegal.
Better to stay in Britain, unless you find yourself in a B&B with Alex Polizzi. The woman who puts the ‘hostile’ into ‘hostelry’ returned last week with a new series of The Hotel Inspector (c5) and says: ‘This year I’m in no mood to mince my words.’ When was she ever? Alex was in Devon at an imposing guest house called Yeoldon on the River Torridge — and she wasn’t being a little ray of sunshine.
Grrr! This settee was the same colour as the walls. Fume! The books were too neatly arranged. Roar! The pastel curtains were boring beige. Waving her hands and tossing her ringlets, she stormed out and didn’t calm down until after the adverts.
The truth is that beige furnishings had little to do with the lacklustre bookings. If decor was so crucial, all motorway motels would be out of business.
What the Yeoldon really needed was a juicy boost on telly. Problem solved!