Will my niece’s wedding be a disaster?

Problems like yours go deep and often have their roots in some long-forgotten words or incident that shifts a sibling relationship permanently. Then, later, a cause of genuine concern (you thinking your sister neglected your parents while you were having a grim time) brings all the old resentments to the surface.

It’s also easy to imagine you have always been envious of your sister’s luck (husband, home, children, money) while you struggled — and, believe me, that is no criticism, merely an acknowledgement of human nature.

Families are complicated; I know only too well what it’s like to feel critical of a sibling. but I was always aware, when my older brother was alive, that he was indeed my brother, for better, for worse.

Unlike you and Angela, we were never close, but nevertheless I felt it my duty to be a good sister. Now he’s gone I’m glad my actions lived up to that innate sense of family ties.

The stress of living with your parents must have marked you. but it’s vital to try to draw a line under that period. I don’t advise that with any illusion it will be easy, but because I believe it’s right for your future peace of mind.

so this is what I would like you to do. Take a piece of paper and write on it these words: ‘Angela has invited me to this wedding because she would like a new start with her only sister.’

stare at the words, then close your eyes tightly and repeat them aloud. Then start to think about what you would like to wear, and plan it out — preferably deciding on a colour you have never worn before.

This may sound rather silly to you, but it’s not. You must prepare ‘a face to meet the faces that you meet’ (to quote the great poet T.s.eliot) and vow to make it a new one. Yes, you may be nervous at the prospect of the wedding, but if you make sure you have a stunning outfit and a smile on your face, no one will know.

so no more attributing the worst motives to your sister. No more thinking about wretched antiques. No more guilt at resenting caring for your parents (which you did), or annoyance that your sister and her husband appropriated your father, or wistfulness that your life didn’t quite deliver.

You need to make it up properly with Angela — and that does not require a heart-to-heart. let the past be. Telephone her (no more texts!) and say how excited you are to receive the save-the-date message.

When you do that, trust me, you will be saving far more than a special day on the calendar.