THINGS YOU CAN — AND CAN’T — SAY TO A PATIENT WITH CANCER

DON’T SAY:

‘Did you catch it early?’ If the answer is ‘yes’ that’s fine, but the answer may be ‘no’, which could be a bit of a conversation stopper unless you are close to the cancer patient.

‘My aunt/sister/mother had the same thing and she’s fine.’ You mean well, but your relatives’ experience, in all likelihood, has nothing to do with your cancer patient’s experience. Talk about your aunt/mother/ sister by all means, but don’t draw any conclusions from that. ‘I always thought you were too old to have such long hair anyway.’ Really not a good thing to say, even if it is true.

‘Good afternoon, Sir, what can I get you to drink?’ Said to me by a male waiter with an enviably long and glossy ponytail, when, proudly sporting one inch of new hair, I ventured out for the first time without a turban. I nearly cried, but instead, told him I had cancer and that I would accept a complimentary coffee for having my feelings hurt. ‘What’s for dinner?’ How should the cancer patient know?

DO SAY:

(If you are a husband or partner) ‘Can I bring you a cup of tea in bed?’

‘Can I come and see you? I’ll only stay for an hour . . .’ — The onlystay-for-an-hour bit is important.

‘May I come and sit with you while you have chemo, or take you to radiotherapy?’

‘Would you like to come and stay with us in the Bahamas when this is all over?’ ‘Gosh you are an inspiration!’

‘You have such a beautiful shaped head, you can get away with being bald.’ ‘Dinner is ready!’