Job where you enjoy the fruits of your labours
WE’VE all done our share of awful jobs. At 18, I worked in a tartanbedecked tourist shop. The first task of the day was snipping the ‘Made in Hong Kong’ stickers off the bottoms of toy Scottie dogs, before firing up the cassette of an Andy Stewart album, which stayed on repeat play throughout the day.
To this day, the first few notes of A Scottish Soldier brings out a Manchurian Candidate reaction in me.
I also worked in a pancake house. At the end of my shift, I’d take the bus home, smelling of fat, syrup and emptied ashtrays, while all the other passengers fought to sit by the windows.
And at the BBC I worked for a presenter who used to leave a newspaper on my desk every day, open at the ‘situations vacant’ section. This only stopped after I began leaving The Times on his desk, at the obituaries page.
Yet there can be upsides to even the worst job. Doctor Who star Karen Gillan used to work at a cheese counter in Inverness. Ten years on, she has turned this into a darkly funny anecdote in her new film The Party’s Just Beginning.
And I suppose I will never lose the muscle memory that taught me how to make pancakes in industrial quantities.
NOW the UK Government is trying to convince jobseekers that berry picking can be a fun way to earn up to £700 a week.
Since I grew up in Tayside, I’m no stranger to 6am vans taking us out to the berries, and I can only assume that dreels of raspberries are no longer the iron maidens of needles that I encountered.
I didn’t make a fortune at berrying either, but I talked to people I wouldn’t otherwise have met and acquired a few skills, both manual and sympathetic.
I also learnt that tayberries – a cross between a loganberry and a raspberry – not only take twice as long to pick as anything else, but in the hours from 8am till lunch, they are a waste of your energy. So maybe there are some other jobs that are not as terrible as they may sound.
Social media director for Lord Sugar: New position, looking to fill as soon as possible. Must have access to ‘delete’ button.
Special adviser, Holyrood: Terrific opportunity to advise and assist on a range of exciting topics. Perfect position for a beginner; if you get your facts wrong, we can always hide it from an FOI. Probably a temporary post, likely to change at the next election, or if the boss needs someone to take the blame for anything at all.
Stylist for Scottish TV weather presenters: Fashion-forward person required. Must be passionate about walking through Slaters, buying slightly-too-tight suits. Will also have access to special showbiz discount for the ladies’ sale rails at Dorothy Perkins.
Friendly environment, provided no mention is made of how well Heather Reid and Vanessa Collingridge have done for themselves.