I’M HAPPY FOR ENGLAND BUT WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL BBC’s WORLD CUP PUNDITS TO PUT A SOCK IN IT
THE apology sounded about as sincere as one of those ‘I’m truly sorry if some people have taken offence …’ statements dictated by Cabinet ministers caught telling the truth. And the sentiment behind it didn’t stick for long.
Within moments of the BBC 5 Live breakfast team acknowledging that listeners in Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland must be properly peeved with their output, normal service was resumed. And talk returned to just how well ‘we’ were doing in this FIFA World Cup.
From north of the Border, there can only be one response. Give ‘us’ peace. Grant ‘us’ the stamina to endure the next few weeks.
And please, in the name of Lord Reith, Bill McLaren and the spirit of impartial, one-nation inclusivity upon which the BBC was founded, make the worst of this jingoistic madness stop.
If there is one thing guaranteed to irk even the most placid of Scots, it is the appropriation of the ‘other’ Home Nations – lock, stock and entire population – in presumed support of an English-only sporting adventure.
Only using ‘England’ as shorthand for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is likely to provoke a stronger response.
Even among the many Scots who genuinely wish Gareth Southgate’s men well on the biggest stage of all, then, reserves of goodwill are evaporating with every overheard snippet from the TV or radio.
And the Anyone But England brigade? For them, the flag-waving coverage being served up is, to borrow a term from the beautiful game itself, an open goal.
Those permanently in search of a grievance against the British Establishment are handed a gift every time
Guy Mowbray bellows about how ‘we’ are going to be dangerous to all those weak-willed foreigners still lucky enough to be sharing a platform with ‘our’ magnificent lions.
Aggravation
And the most moderate can feel their hackles rising by repeated tenuous, gratuitous and oddly needy-sounding references to England’s World Cup triumph in … erm, 1966, wasn’t it?
Of course, none of the enmity and aggravation being stirred up by flag-waving pundits and commentators should come as a shock to anyone.
A working knowledge of sporting rivalry and a basic grasp of politics would, you might think, have caused senior TV and radio executives drawing fat salaries to spot this problem a mile off.
At some point, surely, major figures in BBC Scotland would have pulled their network counterparts aside and reminded them that, while they may mistakenly believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to become the English Broadcasting Corporation for a few glorious summer weeks, their signals are still going to be received – and paid for – by viewers and listeners in all four corners of the UK.
So maybe, fellas, you could offer a bit of guidance to the talent, steering them away from the worst excesses and lazy catch-all turns of phrase?
Either the Caledonian plea for sensitivity was ignored or no such request was made.
Among football supporters, there have even been demands for a Red Button option offering a more neutral alternative to the current BBC TV or 5 Live commentaries.
Good heavens. Have we really come to this? An organisation once held forth as a bastion of straight-bat balance being pressurised to offer constituent parts of the Kingdom a service that isn’t hopelessly skewed?
It would never happen, naturally. No more than you would find Rio Ferdinand expressing doubts about ‘the lads’ being able to beat the world.
For as long as Southgate’s men persist in this tournament, all pretence of balance is going to be dropped quicker than a German footballer incapable of scoring a penalty.
ITV, of course, escapes much of the same criticism, if only because it is a commercial organisation, run by different rules. And even the ‘other side’ have former Republic of Ireland and Manchester United titan Roy Keane trying – amid the giddy giggling – to instil a note of realism.
The ITV pairing of Jon Champion and former Scotland and Rangers star Ally McCoist, meanwhile, have earned near universal praise for their insightful work in the commentary box. They show how it should be done.
In the spirit of bi-partisan goodwill, however, let’s be reasonable and allow broadcasters a little leeway. England may genuinely be the most exciting team at this World Cup. Even the most blinkered battalion of the Tartan Army would have to admit as much.
As everyone from Gary Lineker to Barry from Stoke acknowledges, they’re great fun going forward – and just madcap enough in defence to guarantee drama.
Enthusiasm
What’s more, there is an openness and ease about Southgate that has transmitted itself to the players, meaning this England team are, frankly, a lot more likeable than many of their predecessors.
As for the men and women behind the microphones, you have to understand that enthusiasm is a prerequisite for the gig. The average TV or radio sports personality would genuinely stop to watch a kick-about in the local park.
One of the golden rules of football broadcasting is that you have to love the game to your very core. Or people will notice.
There is a gentleman by the name of Mark Lawrenson, still employed by the BBC, who proves this point. Given a choice between listening to ‘Lawro’ sneer and moan his way through a nine-goal thriller of a World Cup final, or wondering whether Danny Murphy is in full England kit as he offers his take on the opposition, would be a close call for most. Well, almost.
A little home-town bias is also to be expected, not least from the ex-professionals who have spent their entire adult lives picking a side and defending it to the hilt.
Yet the professionals nominally pledged to inform, educate and entertain – in that order – are in danger of falling into the kind of cheerleading role normally associated with that awfully chipper North Korean grandmother who gets so excited over library footage of missile launches.
If you’re old enough to have grown up with the great Bill McLaren describing international rugby in the most wondrous way, you will recognise that there is no need for this. The former teacher could sound as excited describing an England try against Scotland as he did when calling play-by-play involving a former pupil or – as happened more than once – his son-inlaw and then grandson in the blue jerseys of ‘his’ country.
As veteran commentator Nick Mullins put it yesterday: ‘Broadcasting’s a peculiar form of conversation. I was taught the moment you use words like “we” or “us” you exclude those who aren’t “we” or “us”. That’s narrowcasting.’
It’s also increasingly unbearable. Not sufficiently unendurable to make football-addicted diehards hit the mute button. But certainly annoying enough to turn off casual armchair supporters.