I fear my husband has fallen for his personal trainer

Recently I read an interesting discussion (on an online chat forum for men) which debated whether friendships between men and women can be truly innocent.

Some chaps said ‘there always must be something there’. Others were convinced that men and women can be good mates with no sex in the air at all.

Of course, I know both views are ‘the truth’. An ‘innocent friendship’ between a man and a women can develop from an initial flirtation yet remain platonic; on the other hand, old friends can become lovers. there are no rules.

But let me bring in another letter here. this is from ‘Anja’ who says: ‘I found out when I was eight months pregnant that my husband was in regular contact with another woman during the first six months of us dating.

‘When I saw the messages he forgot to delete I was incensed. He would stay up until 2am writing to her and suggest coffee even though he was seeing me. He says they were just talking and calls me bipolar for being mad at him. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still furious but he just laughs it off with, ‘Well, nothing we can do about it now’.

‘His attitude makes me angrier and I feel I can’t trust him as I did before I discovered his betrayal. During one of our fights about this I even threatened divorce. Am I over-reacting? Did he cheat?’

I told you there are no rules — but will withdraw that right now. the vital rule in an avowedly committed relationship is to treat the person you love in the way that you yourself want to be treated.

that is the golden mantra of ethics, of religion and of love. Kelly and Anja, you are writing about mere suspicion, with no proof infidelity has happened.

But at the same time you have good reason to be annoyed because you have been disregarded by a man whose attention was elsewhere when he should have been focusing on your (and his) children.

your heart tells you that a partner who is flirting and giving his

attention elsewhere is unfaithful in spirit, if not in the flesh.

such a partner is treating you with disrespect. That can lead quite easily to contempt — which is fatal to any partnership.

And by the way, using the serious term ‘bipolar’ to sneer at a jealous partner seems to me to be very low indeed.

As you, Kelly, suggest in your last sentence, the world is full of women who are cavalier about breaking up committed relationships and marriages, even when there are children. It has always been the case and always will be — but let’s not forget that dangerously exciting sexual behaviour (even with no sex) intoxicates both genders.

This is a problem as old as humanity — and therefore I have no solution. The question is, how to manage the situation? surely you need to stay calm, focus on what you want (the marriage) and act strategically.

Getting to know the other woman can help. It may sound silly, but if a woman who seems to threaten your marriage knows you as a person and not just as ‘the wife’ it can inhibit reckless behaviour. Just a thought.

Another strategy is to shrug and say, ‘Fine, you carry on — and you won’t mind if I go out with X for a drink, will you?’ X being a guy you like. I’m a great believer in the low cunning that turns you into a survivor, not a victim. Good luck to you both. But be cool, not angry.