Heartless sister is making me ill

DEAR BEL,

TWENTY-FIVE years ago, I returned to the family home after a relationship ended. I always intended to move on, but my father became terminally ill and I stayed, taking on all bills and responsibility for my mother.

Initially she was quite independent and we could both pursue our own interests. I met someone (now my partner of 20 years) and juggled our relationship (between our respective homes) and my responsibilities towards my mother.

However, since retiring three years ago, I’ve given up a challenging career to become a full-time carer for a (now) difficult, confused, controlling and critical 90- year-old parent.

This has affected my relationship with my partner and my own physical health, because I overeat and drink as a way of self-soothing. I often feel very desperate, sad and alone, and not sure how (or if) I’ll cope in future. Luckily I have friends in similar circumstances, so we have a therapeutic moan and giggle.

My married older sister (a distance away) regards our mother as my sole responsibility. She considers weekly telephone calls sufficient and I find it impossible to engage with her about our mother’s care.

I cannot arrange short breaks without my sister’s co-operation, given grudgingly as she must care for our mother in my absence.

I feel very resentful towards my sister. What can I do to preserve my own health, sanity and relationship with my mother and my patient partner without compromising my relationship with my sister? How can I encourage her to be more co-operative? CAROL

As you say (in your uncut email) many people will recognise this stressful and sad situation. you gave as your subject: Who cares for the carers? This question will become more urgent since so many babyboomers are now growing old.

you went home for a brief respite all those years ago but became ambushed by family love and duty. And there you are still, feeling sad and and angry with the sister who doesn’t seem to care.

It is not my place to console you with the kind of sincere platitudes about the sanctity of the family that drive people mad when ground down by the needs of aged parents. I wouldn’t dream of it. This subject is too serious. In fact, it’s so serious it reduces me to a feeling of helplessness because there are no easy answers.

your central question concerns your sister, but first I must remind readers that carers do have a support network. The website of Carers uK informs us that 72 per cent of carers in the uK have suffered mental ill-health (like you) as a result of their caring duties. I hope you have looked carefully at their website, joined the forum to see how others feel, and noted the advice.

That said, you really must take care of yourself. It worries me that you are using caring for your mother as an excuse (yes, I’ll be tough) for indulging in food and alcohol and harming your own health. you may not feel in control of your life but this is one thing you can control.

Really. you need to enlist the help of your devoted partner to work out a different way of living: a diet, exercise, generally taking care of yourself for your own sake and for his, too.

He has stuck with you all these years: I’d like you to realise how lucky that is and regard it as the balance to your mother’s demands. Being overweight and hungover will make you even more depressed. Please write back in six weeks’ time and let me know how you’ve changed your eating and drinking.

As for your sister, this is hard. she’s unwilling to do more and I don’t know how you change people. you are entitled to a holiday away with your partner, so I can only suggest that if your sister doesn’t want to stay for more than a couple of days, she help you organise respite care.

your mother might complain but that is something you must learn to weather. If you see yourself as the victim of your circumstances, you will become angrier with your sister and your mother. The first person to help the carer must, ultimately, be the carer him or herself. you need to exercise a little selfishness — because without that you are in danger of losing all your sense of self-worth.