HIS WICKED ONE-LINERS
INFAMY, infamy. They’ve all got it in for me!
IT’S a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.
IN CHINA, the piano piece ‘Chopsticks’ is known as ‘Knife and Fork’.
MIDDLE age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.
HE HAD the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.
MEMORY failure is no bad thing if you’re a TV viewer. If anything, it helps you enjoy repeats.
VICTORIA’S Secret — a chain of American lingerie boutiques whose catalogue is said to be steamier than a Philips iron.
THERE’S an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.
I HAVE a suspicion that the photos on seed packets are posed by professional flowers.
THE number of actors who go through their professional life without missing a cue can be counted on the fingers of Captain Hook’s bad hand.
ACCORDING to Shakespeare, ‘all the world is a stage’. Although if he were still alive today he’d probably amend that to ‘all the world is a screen’.
HE also invented the catchphrases ‘trouble at t’mill’ and ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’, with Frank Muir.