My lazy husband’s left me and my baby

DEAR BEL,

I AM heartbroken, rejected and confused. My husband has decided he no longer wants us to be together.

Once, we couldn’t believe we were lucky enough to find one another. We planned our first baby, but (a few months in) I detected subtle changes to his behaviour. He was less involved in the pregnancy than I expected, but was attentive after the birth and I felt secure.

Breastfeeding was tough and I didn’t feel like me. It was not postnatal depression, I just lost my spark. He didn’t get up at night or do nappies and it didn’t help that he said he was hands-on with his children from his first marriage.

During the pregnancy, I got very angry three times when he stayed out late drinking. A year later, I got mad because he was out till the small hours again. Why should I do everything? I thought he was being lazy and immature.

Over the months, he became distant. He didn’t seem to want to bond with his baby and would hand her back to me if she cried.

At a social function his mask slipped, he was cold and walked away. I asked why and eventually he said he was struggling. I said I’d stop nagging him about saving up to buy a property and asking for help with the housework. He didn’t say his feelings for me had changed.

He continued to drift away, but refused to see a doctor. At last, he said he’d fallen out of love when I was pregnant. I cried a little, but stayed strong saying: ‘You’re not leaving us, we’ll get through this.’

He moved out of the bedroom. Finally, I sought help from his family. He needed a doctor and I knew they could help. They had their suspicions that he wasn’t well and he eventually got the help he needed.

A couple of months ago, he moved into his parents’ house and started to take the children out with them, saying our baby is better when I’m not there. Now he says we’re over and marriage counselling isn’t an option. He wants me to move out, and will take our baby two nights a week when he sees his other children.

I’ve confided in friends, who suspect there’s someone else. I still love him and can’t believe this. I’ve booked to see a counsellor to stay strong for my baby. I need to look after myself and think I’ll contact my vicar. How do you cope when your love doesn’t want you?

ANGIE

Other women who have given birth might remember how hard those first months are — when you’re sleepdeprived and feel you’ve been hijacked by a little alien you love. Or think you love. Some might also recall petulant husbands who complain of being left out and wrinkle noses in disgust at mucky nappies. It’s easily to sentimentalise this period in a woman’s life, but many find it very hard.

Your original email was so long it would have nearly filled three pages of this newspaper, so let me fill in readers that you had problems breastfeeding and briefly suspected your husband was unfaithful.

You also say you regret losing your temper with him — although plenty of women will think you had just cause. Bewilderment and loss drip from your frantic outpouring and I feel very sorry for you, indeed.

You tell me that it comforts you to read other people’s problems each week on this page, and I hope that through them you are able to see how people can and do survive.

You say nothing about your husband’s first marriage, or how old those children are or whether he was still married when you met. So I’m wondering how he dealt with the end of that union and also how much he really, truly wanted the baby you say you planned together. I suspect he had doubts. Many men do.

Since you had such a wonderful relationship, he may not have wanted that to change. And a baby means Big Change. romance and sex are hard to sustain when there are three (or more) of you in the marriage.

It sounds as if you have accepted his decision, which is (I’m sorry to say) probably wise. he has refused counselling and chosen to leave, so I’m not sure what you can do except rebuild your life without him.

this is key to answering your final question, to which I say that you ‘cope’ by deciding not to be a victim of the situation but attempting to wrest back some control. You tell me you are saving up, thinking of getting a dog and intend to seek spiritual counsel.

I approve of all those, and wish you the best of luck in the next phase of your life with that precious baby daughter.