SO HOW DO YOU RATE THESE OLD CRACKERS?

What do you count cows with? A cowculator! What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina. ‘Dad, are you alright? ‘No, I’m half left.’ I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind — it’s tearable. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory. A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs. Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says: ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’ I wouldn’t buy anything with Velcro. It’s a complete rip-off. You know what’s funny? A good joke. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. My friend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe. Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a short cut. My wife suggested I wash the car with our son. I told her a sponge would be better. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. What do you call a male ant? An uncle. How much does a millennial weigh? An Instagram. Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it. Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it’s the scenter. Have you ever heard the one about the ‘Can I watch the TV’? Dad: ‘Yes, but don’t turn it on.’ overthrown frisbee? Don’t worry, it’d just go over your head. What has two bottoms and kills people? An assassin. There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There’s nothing left but de Brie. What did the drummer call his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3. ‘I’ll call you later.’ ‘Please don’t. Just call me Dad.’ What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I can’t put it down. My daughter asked me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire. I’ll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive. How many beers does it take to get an exotic bird drunk? Toucans. I knew I shouldn’t have had the seafood. I’m feeling a little eel. My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child. I’ve definitely seen some change in him. What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta! Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up. What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5,000 miles. My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter. But I’m on a roll now. I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.