Now I’m a divorcee, I’ve fallen for my female best friend
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QI’M 52, newly divorced and always saw myself as straight, dating men my whole life. However, I’ve recently started to have feelings for a close female friend after knowing her platonically for years.
We’ve got much closer since my husband left and, as she’s also single, we spend a lot of time together. But my feelings have surprised me. How could I not know until now?
The worst part is I’m not sure if she feels the same. There have been moments where I’ve thought something was going to happen, but then I wondered if I’d imagined it.
As far as I know, she has only ever dated men, too. I’m worried that saying something will jeopardise our friendship. Yet, it’s eating me up. I haven’t told any friends, as we’re part of the same group. Please help!
ASTEPH SAYS: Life often hits a spot of turbulence in your 50s. Children may be grown and gone, and all of a sudden, you look at your partner and think: ‘Who are you? I’m not sure I know you any more.’
It seems a lot of marriages end at this point, then, newly single and unencumbered, you look around again and realise you’re free to be the person you really want to be. The person you’ve perhaps
always wanted to be. I’m not here to judge — there’s at least another 30 years of fun to be had before bits start falling off. If you can’t be true to yourself at this age, when can you?
But, and it’s a big but, I’d advise caution. It strikes me your marriage was a long one, and the pain of him leaving hit hard.
your friend has stood by you, supported you through this dark time and, yes, even shown you love, as the best friends do.
Might it be that you’re transferring feelings you once had for your husband onto this woman? She is, after all, doing everything a partner should in terms of looking after you emotionally. you feel safe and supported with her; she’s offering loyalty and comfort.
She’s now also the closest person to you physically. But I would caution you to not make the mistake of thinking it’s necessarily more meaningful than it is. you risk such a lot if you get it wrong here.
you say you don’t want to damage the relationship, and I really want you to take that on board because losing your friend now is likely to throw you into an even greater spin.
It occurs to me that you may be somewhat confused. you’re going through profound instability. The last thing that you need is to also confuse your friend by admitting feelings that probably haven’t crossed her mind. She may find it uncomfortable.
My sincere advice is to seek professional help to explore these feelings away from her — at least at first. I wouldn’t ignore your curiosity, but try to find out where it comes from. It may have been there all your life without you admitting it, or it may be a temporary reaction to what’s happening now.
I don’t often recommend therapists. Most problems can be thrashed out over a bottle of red wine with a mate, but this time I do think there’s no other way. you need a careful, professional hand to guide you — take your time and good luck. DOM SAYS: First, I’m sorry your husband has left you and I don’t underestimate the importance of having a friend to support you. a friendship like yours is a valuable thing to nurture. It’s natural, given the strength she’s shown you, that you’ve developed feelings towards her. In the absence of your husband she has no doubt fulfilled a subconscious role as partner. I once met a bisexual man who explained that, for him, falling in love wasn’t about the sex of the person. Rather, he fell in love with people because of their characters and personalities and kindnesses. I believe it’s possible to harbour feelings for people of either sex because of who they are. To love a friend deeply is not unknown, but I’m still not sure I believe people can suddenly wake up and find their sexual preferences have switched overnight. But it may be so. ask yourself whether you find other women attractive, or whether it’s just your friend. The best plan would be to see a therapist and unpick these feelings with someone who can trace their origin professionally. once you have come to terms with this you can move on. as for the relationship now, how would you approach it if your friend were a single man? I don’t think you’d risk an advance unless you had better information about his responses. and the same applies here. Male or female, unrequited love between friends within the same social circle always causes a rift of some kind. If it’s not unrequited, time will tell. My advice is to sit back, carry on your normal close relationship, and see what happens. you say there have already been moments where you thought things might burst out into the open, and if there’s mutual feeling there, then they really will at some point. Should that happen, then wonderful. If it doesn’t, don’t be hurt or disappointed. you’re lucky to have found such a faithful friend. and romance may complicate matters anyway. It can certainly make you more vulnerable. Tread carefully to avoid the pitfalls, but if love does flourish, I’d be delighted for you.