Has my young female pal ditched me?

DEAR BEL,

FIVE months ago, I transferred to a different branch within the company for which I work.

At my previous workplace, I enjoyed a lovely working relationship and close friendship with a single Asian woman. My mood was always lifted when I saw her at work, as my marriage has stagnated and my wife and I are now more like a couple of quarrelsome siblings.

She was in her early 30s and I’m 50. We had started to meet up for coffee outside of work and we could be quite flirty toward each other.

When I moved workplaces it all happened at very short notice and I didn’t get a chance to properly say goodbye. I’ve texted her since and she has replied randomly, but a couple of months ago I found out through a former colleague that my friend had been taken ill at work.

I texted her to see if she was OK and she said she was but was very weak yet recovering steadily, and when I’ve tried to call her since her phone beeps twice and then cuts out.

Any texts I send are rejected and WhatsApp messages I send remain unread.

Unfortunately, I have no other number for her. I just want to speak to her to see how she is, but I’m worried she has blocked me for some reason. It is heartbreaking and I feel sad, as I really enjoyed her company. Any advice? JOE

BehINd this short email I sense depths of complicated sadness, so start by holding out a virtual hand in sympathy — while reminding you there is always a shortfall in happiness which (I’m afraid) must be accommodated. how trivial it will seem to some — a middle-aged man developing a ‘crush’ on a younger woman and becoming more dissatisfied with his stale marriage. Yet how large such seemingly small disappointments loom — because most of us (at some stage) will hold a tender fantasy within our palms, a fragile dream that can be crushed in an instant.

Years ago, an older journalist who felt that way about me gave me the collected poems of an unjustly forgotten poet, A.S.J. Tessimond, with a page marked for my attention. The poem, called Age, is a short meditation on the realisation that men do not ‘grow wholly old’ but always hear the ‘grieving’ of ‘the all-too youthful heart’.

Now, it might be that this lady is still unwell and that’s why she isn’t communicating. It could also be that she has formed a new relationship and no longer wants to be in touch with people from the past few years. That can happen.

But if I put myself in her shoes, I am sorry to suggest she might have found your continuing attention somewhat … oh dear … creepy. I know you meant well and don’t intend to fib when you imply your feelings are those of a concerned friend, nothing more. But that’s not true, is it?

how do you think she read your attempts to get in touch? For an older married man to then persist in a non-existent ‘friendship’ is inappropriate. I fear your memory ‘we could be quite flirty’ may be one-sided. I know this is hard to take — but you must.

You say ‘my marriage has stagnated and my wife and I are now more like a couple of quarrelsome siblings.’ I wonder if you intend to drag on through your 50s and 60s accepting blank negativity — sterility where there was once love? At this stage you need to think hard about this.

I don’t know a single marriage (not even the best ones) that hasn’t gone through a very stony, barren stage. Sometimes things right themselves naturally. Sometimes people realise they need to talk things through with an outsider (for instance, a Relate counsellor) to work out a way forward — or sometimes to enable them to part with clear-sighted, mutual respect and compassion.

Stop sending fruitless communications to somebody who doesn’t want them, and spend some time thinking about what I’ve said. Send some messages home.