It’s the way he tells ’em! Phil’s dad jokes
THE Chancellor delivered a Budget laced with ‘dad jokes’ that made the House laugh and groan in equal measure.
PUBLIC TOILETS
Local authorities can at last relieve themselves. For the convenience of the House and, without wishing to get unduly bogged down on this subject... this is virtually the only announcement in this Budget that hasn’t leaked.
HALLOWEEN BUDGET
Others were desperate for it to be on Wednesday – Hammo house of horrors, perhaps? The truth is by choosing today I have not avoided the blood-curdling threats, anguished wailing and strange banging of furniture usually associated with Wednesday. I’ve kindly been invited to a meeting of the 1922 Committee this evening.
DIGITAL SERVICES TAX
I am already looking forward to my call from the former leader of the Lib Dems. [Nick Clegg, who now works for Facebook]
DUTY ON WHISKY
So that we can all afford to raise a wee dram to Ruth Davidson on the arrival of baby Finn.
MONDAY BUDGETS [The last was in 1962]
I was six years old, tensions between Russia and the United States were rising and a former foreign secretary turned chancellor [Selwyn Lloyd] delivered a Budget amid Cabinet revolt. I am acutely aware of the phenomenon of false memory, but I could swear I remember my parents turning to me and saying: “Philip, one day that could be you.”
TIMING OF THE BUDGET
Some were hoping for a December Budget. I’m sure headline writers were ready with something like “Spreadsheet Phil turned Santa Claus”.
HIS PHILOSOPHY
Fiscal Phil says fiscal rules OK.
JOHN MCDONNELL
He curiously forgets to mention nearly 90 per cent of [PFI] contracts were agreed by the last Labour government, leaving the nation with a bill of more than £200billion to pay off in what would be the most potent symbol of the economic mismanagement of the last Labour government – if only Gordon Brown hadn’t sold the gold.
LOCAL NEWSPAPERS
Whatever the national press says, I’ve been assured of a warm welcome from the Royston Crow and the Keswick Reminder.
WASTE CLEARANCE
[A reference to Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell recently tripping and injuring himself on fly-tipped rubbish] I cannot guarantee £10million will be enough to stop him falling on his face in the future.
ON-DEMAND BUSES
[We are] providing an additional £90million to trial new models of smart transport including on-demand buses. I think, Mr Deputy Speaker, that’s what you and I used to call taxis.
JOB CREATION
By my calculation, that’s over 4.2m net new jobs since 2010, making the Shadow Chancellor’s prediction of 1.2m jobs lost out by just the tiniest margin of .4m people, roughly the population of Scotland.