Why ants are now avoiding your pants!
Sir: I want to express solidarity with those in the wider family of animals who wrote to you last week. A newt who was a lifelong teetotaller; a wasp with a kind word for everyone; a bull who has run his own china-shop for many years with the barest minimum of damage. These are just a few of those who have been deeply hurt by everyday insults.
As a prominent member of the slug community, my heart goes out to them. I am well known for my outstanding energy — only last year I completed a mile in under four months — so imagine how I quail when insults like ‘sluggish’ are tossed about. Yours etc, Samuel Slug, President of The Slug and Sloth Association (Part Time).
Sir: I was horrified that you should have seen fit to print the letter from Mr Slug. It is deeply offensive to the entire quail community.
For too long, we quails have been expected to grin and bear it whenever the verb ‘to quail’ is used to mean ‘to cower, cringe, or get cold feet’. Bigots who speak like this are completely cuckoo. The majority of quails are remarkably courageous. Only yesterday, I crossed the road without using a zebra crossing and tomorrow night I plan to watch Halloween 2’ without once putting my hands over my eyes. Daniel Quail.
Sir: Mr Quail’s recent outburst against the cuckoo community is so deeply distressing.
As a cuckoo, I am used to hearing remarks such as ‘she’s gone totally cuckoo’ or ‘he went cuckoo on me’. These imply that we cuckoos are somehow ‘loopy’.
If that is so, then how come I regularly finish the General Knowledge crossword in under five minutes, doing so by ignoring those awful black squares and without even glancing at the clues?
Incidentally, by revealing this method of completing crosswords, I hope I am not letting the cat out of the bag! Yours etc, Clarence J. Cuckoo.
Sir: As a cat resident in a bag, I deeply resent the implication in the previous letter that it would be a mistake to let me out of it. Over the course of a long life, I have had many cat friends who have been let out of their bags. They have all gone on to perform valuable work in the community.
Cat Liberation is a marvellous thing. Frankly, it’s quite absurd for the cuckoo brigade to get ants in their pants about it. Korky (Mr). Sir: Mr Korky’s grievous slur on the ant community must not be allowed to pass unremarked. As an ant of many years’ standing, I can honestly say that I have never ventured into anyone’s pants. Why on earth would I, when I can spend my days scuttling around outside in the cracks between paving stones, weather permitting? Why did Korky the Cat make such ill-founded remarks? The only explanation is that he drinks like a fish. Antonia Ant. Sir: On a special occasion such as a birthday or Christmas, I may manage a small schooner of sherry, but otherwise I never drink a drop. Few other fish of my acquaintance do so either. We simply take in water through a process of osmosis, which is quite a different thing. That is why I remain as fit as a flea. So why does Ms Ant insist on suggesting otherwise? Patrick Perch.
Sir: As a severely disabled flea, I take great exception to the presumption that we are all fit. Yes, there are one or two fleas who jump about all over the place, without a care in the world.
But it is a perilous lifestyle, and many of us have been severely injured in the process. I am not asking you to shed crocodile tears for us, but a bit of respect would not go amiss. Yours etc, Fenella Flea.
Sir: Contrary to our image in the biased media, most crocodiles are sincere, empathetic creatures, passionate in our desire to make the world a better place. This is why I abhor Ms Flea’s implication that our compassion is in any way artificial.
If she repeats this calumny, my response will, I assure you, be far from sluggish. Yours etc, Clarence Crocodile.