Sir Humphrey gives us a lesson in diplomacy: waffle and say nothing
Sir Simon McDonald, head of the diplomatic service, is a great hit at dinner parties, he says — such a hit that he doesn’t stop talking. ‘My wife might kick me under the table not to dominate a conversation,’ he admits, ‘but folk are generally interested. i don’t tell all. Part of being a diplomat is making people think they are sharing in a confidence, but when they look back they actually find there’s nothing much.’
We’ve all met a Sir Simon. Their shins must be black and blue from unheeded silent messages: ‘Do shut up, darling, you’re being a bore.’
The Permanent Under Secretary seemed oblivious to the irony that he’d succinctly summed up the show on which he was talking, Inside The Foreign Office (BBC2). it said a great deal, but told us nothing at all.
At the outset of this three-part documentary, we had all the usual promises — how the Beeb’s cameras had obtained unprecedented access, how we would understand as never before what diplomats actually do.
What this meant was we got to see the stultifyingly dull bits. When real diplomacy was going on, for example when Boris Johnson (Foreign Secretary at the time of filming) met his opposite number from russia, we were allowed to see the handshakes before the camera crew was booted out of the room.
We did have time to glimpse how Boris greets a Moscow mandarin, with a chant of ‘Duuuuu-maaaaa!’ The Duma is the russian parliament. Boris managed to sound like a demented fan at a Springsteen concert, shouting ‘Brooooooccce!’
The rest was mostly waffle and waiting around. if you’d ever longed to know what diplomats eat for breakfast (fried organic egg with foraged mushrooms) or lunch (pan-fried sea bass), this documentary must have been an unending source of fascination.
Otherwise, it gave a lot of people licence to polish their egos. The British ambassador in New York proudly showed off photographs of him playing five-a-side football with Tony Blair, and posing in the Oval Office with President Trump. You’d think a diplomat might have heard the expression: ‘A man is known by the company he keeps.’
The pace picked up in the last seven minutes, following the assassination attempt by Putin’s agents on a former spy in Salisbury. Diplomatic measures went into overdrive: the russian ambassador was called in for ‘a dressing-down’. Yikes and yaroops, stiff measures!
Sir Simon, asked how backstage politics compares in real life with the Netflix drama House Of Cards, smiled smugly and said: ‘i think in my experience there’s less murder.’ Given the death of an innocent bystander in Salisbury, Dawn Sturgess, who was inadvertently poisoned, that seems a spectacularly tactless remark from a senior civil servant.
Chef Gino D’Acampo was doing more for international relations with his Italian Coastal Escape (iTV), as he explored the beach resorts around Mount Conero, dubbed the riviera of the Adriatic. As a holiday resort, it is little known outside italy. Locals claim they want to keep it that way, though they must be a bit envious of the tourist income enjoyed on the other side of the country, in fashionable destinations such as Amalfi and Portofino.
They can expect more visitors next year because the coastline looked gorgeous and practically deserted. Gino’s recipes were less enticing. His melted cheese on pasta was a splodge of fondue on macaroni, and even a culinary dunce like me doesn’t need advice on how to cut up fruit.
My advice is to forget the cookery and concentrate on the views. ravishing.
EASIEST CHOICE OF THE NIGHT: While Children In Need Rocks (BBC1) offered Rod Stewart and Rita Ora, Our Classical Century (BBC4) was promising us a little more actual music — The Lark Ascending and Holst’s Planet suite. Decisions, decisions.